Aug 27, 2026

We had a very good visit with our new oncologist. The first thing he said was that in order to make intelligent decisions about future treatment, we needed more data about its current spread. So, we have a PET scan scheduled for Sept 8 and a test of the cancer cells DNA to discover the possibility of any mutations for which specific treatments have been developed. He said that what we do know is that the cancer is spreading rapidly. Without any treatment we are looking at 1 ½ to 2 years of life which will become increasingly difficult as the cancer rapidly spreads and affects everything. There are certain treatments which have the potential to drastically slow down or even possibly reverse its spread. Unfortunately, they have the potential of serious side effects. I have had some similar treatments in the past and the side effects have been horrible to the point of my terminating the medicines use. A question that we will have to face in the future is weighing the bad side effects of treatment which might prolong life a few years against being free of those side effects but having a shorter life span which will suffer from the increasing spread of the cancer. The doctor has said that he will support us no matter what decision we make. He asked how I felt about all this and was I scared of dying or whether I had come to terms with it. I had the joy of telling him that because of my relationship with God, we were at peace because death was not the end and we have the certain hope of eternal life. We will be doing a lot of research on this and greatly covet your prayers as we look for God’s will.

 I Know Where I am Going

This will probably be the final posting in my blog. In terms of my health things have settled down. No more treatments or major procedures, just blood tests every three months and periodic body scans.

 The other evening as I was trying to recuperate from a day of moving patio stones and hauling buckets of sand I turned on TV to be distracted by mindless drivel. As I was watching, I saw a senseless, arbitrary act of violence that ended someone’s life. I began to think about the shortness of life, it's uncertainty, and what brings meaning to life. I began to feel a little uncomfortable about death and leaving my family behind and wondering what their memories of me would be. The show continued and I got caught up in that and left those profound thoughts behind.

I was bothered a little bit though, until the next morning when God provided the encouragement my soul needed. Together Karen and I read the Bible through every year. That morning's reading had Psalm 49 and 84.

 Psalm 49:5  Why should I fear when trouble comes, when enemies surround me? 6  They trust in their wealth and boast of great riches. 7  Yet they cannot redeem themselves from death by paying a ransom to God. 8  Redemption does not come so easily, for no one can ever pay enough 9  to live forever and never see the grave. 10  Those who are wise must finally die, just like the foolish and senseless, leaving all their wealth behind. 11  The grave is their eternal home, where they will stay forever. They may name their estates after themselves, 12  but their fame will not last. They will die, just like animals. 13  This is the fate of fools, though they are remembered as being wise. 14  Like sheep, they are led to the grave, where death will be their shepherd. In the morning the godly will rule over them. Their bodies will rot in the grave, far from their grand estates. 

 You can see that the first verses could really make a person kind of despondent. All that talk about the finality of death, leaving everything behind, names and possessions being lost. Even the phrase that death will be their shepherd is kind of scary. But that is just one side of the picture. The Psalm ends speaking about the condition of those who are trusting in God.

 15  But as for me, God will redeem my life. He will snatch me from the power of the grave. Interlude 16  So don’t be dismayed when the wicked grow rich and their homes become ever more splendid. 17  For when they die, they take nothing with them. Their wealth will not follow them into the grave. 18  In this life they consider themselves fortunate and are applauded for their success. 19  But they will die like all before them and never again see the light of day. 20  People who boast of their wealth don’t understand; they will die, just like animals. 

 Rather than having death is their shepherd, God snatches them from the power of the grave. The psalmist then goes on to make the contrast between those who have no hope because they have no God and those who are trusting in Him and who know the Lord is their shepherd.

 The next Psalm in the reading was 84. Here is just an overwhelmingly positive and encouraging picture of the hope and joy that God brings to the death of those who trust him.

 Psalm 84:1  How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD of hosts! 2  My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the LORD; my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God. 3  Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young, at your altars, O LORD of hosts, my King and my God. 4  Blessed are those who dwell in your house, ever singing your praise! 5  Blessed are those whose strength is in you, in whose heart are the highways to Zion. 6  As they go through the Valley of Baca they make it a place of springs; the early rain also covers it with pools. 7  They go from strength to strength; each one appears before God in Zion. 8  O LORD God of hosts, hear my prayer; give ear, O God of Jacob! Selah 9  Behold our shield, O God; look on the face of your anointed! 10  For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness. 11  For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly. 12  O LORD of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you! 

 He starts by reminding us that we will have an eternal home. A glorious and wonderful place better than anything we could even dream of. There is encouragement that even if the process of death is hard, He will be with us and be our strength. Regarding all the things that we will leave behind we are encouraged to remember that a day in the presence of God is better than thousands elsewhere. Even if our role was just as a gatekeeper in the presence of God, it's better than experiencing a wealthy but wicked life style. But an even better thought is that when I am in Heaven I will not be there as a gatekeeper but as a child of God. My certainty and hope is not based on a whim of God or my good works, position, or wealth; but is rooted in trusting in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, the sinless Son of God who paid the price of my guilt and punishment and gave me new life and freedom from the slavery of sin.

 June 12

The only thing certain is...?

Well, things had been quiet for a while on the medical front. That is, no radiation, Doctors visits, or blood lettings (known as blood tests). But, things change.

 Today I had my one-month post radiation blood test. The results were acceptable. I also received the interpretation of genetic testing which indicated that without Androgen Deprivation Therapy I will have a statistically significant possibility of seeing the cancer reoccur within the next ten years. The Doctor would like to resume the ADT within two weeks for two more years.

If you recall, the ADT had a tremendously negative effect on my functioning, health, and initiative. As Karen and I discussed this development we came to an agreement on these points:

1.    We have acted responsibly in the surgeries for thyroid cancer;

2.    We complied with medical advice for radiation and one dose of ADT;

3.    If I do nothing, there is a chance of the thyroid cancer reoccurring and leading to a painful death;

4.    If I do not have the ADT, there is a chance of the prostate cancer reoccurring and leading to a painful death;

5.    If I have two years of ADT, there is the certainty of having a painful and miserable life and no guarantee as to its effectiveness in slowing down cancer;

6.    We feel we are acting responsibly in not having the ADT and we rely on the Biblical truths expressed so well by JC Ryle- “All the powers of the world cannot take away my life, until God permits. All the physicians of earth cannot preserve it when God calls me home.

7.    We marveled at how God sustained us and gave us needed grace and strength as we began this journey last year. We have also seen how He has used this all to challenge, comfort, and encourage others going through trials. We accept what He has for us next and anticipate learning more of His power and seeing how He uses this in our lives and others.

8.    Whether one is dealing with cancer or not, life is uncertain, it is a gift, and a privilege and responsibility to use it wisely in loving God and others.

 Treatment is all over, looking forward to the rest of my life...

Last Friday, the 14^th of May was my final dose of radiation. They say it will continue destroying cancerous material for another month or so. It was nice to finish, but because of Covid rules it was sort of anticlimactic. I walked out to the waiting room by myself, the receptionist gave me some paperwork and asked if I wanted to ring the bell. What I really wanted was the radiation techs and Karen to be with me unmasked as we posed for a picture ringing the bell. Oh well, such was not to be.

I did not write a post that day as on the 18yh I had a debriefing re the treatment and a discussion about having a second shot of a horrible drug called Lupron. It is important for prostate cancer treatment, but the side effects can be dreadful. After the first shot, for 4 months I was kind of zombielike in having no energy or motivation. My thoughts were often cloudy, I lost a lot of muscle mass, and there was a serious concern about potential bone loss since I already had calcium concerns from my thyroid removal. I had already told the urologist’s office I did not want it and they would have to marshal some good arguments for me to change my mind. They seemed quite adamant that it was necessary. Some family members were concerned that I might be being shortsighted or foolhardy. We prayed and had others praying as well for a clear answer to this dilemma. We went to the appointment and a terrific physician’s assistant dealt with us. His first salvo in the argument was to say that while one shot was the standard “gold treatment” for my level of cancer, he did not at this time see any more shots as being necessary. He showed us results of blood tests from before and during treatment where the PSA had decreased from 8.4 to 0.9. without getting bogged down in medical jargon, suffice it to say 8.4 is really bad and 0.9 is very, very good. Now with the full treatment finished we can anticipate that my June 14 blood test will be even better. After that we will continue to monitor the situation with blood tests every six months. They also sent my biopsies off for genetic testing to evaluate chances of reoccurrence and levels of concern for my descendants. There are still some side effects from the radiation but I am assured that in a few weeks they should begin to lessen.

We continue to marvel at how mercifully God has dealt with us through this cancer journey of the past year. Cancer in two different and unrelated areas, three surgeries, two different radiation treatments, and what seems like gallons of blood drawn for testing and I am feeling good, regaining my energy, and medically have a good prognosis for a successful recovery.

I am challenged and comforted by this statement of JC Ryle “All the powers of the world cannot take away my life, until God permits. All the physicians of earth cannot preserve it when God calls me away.” Again, as I said at the beginning of all this, whether I live or die, I am comforted in the Hope of God’s plans and purposes and of my certainty that because of His faithfulness evidenced in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus my sins are forgiven and I will spend eternity with Him.

It is nice not to have to start my day with a trip to the Cancer Center after downing 24 ounces of water in a half hour. Making use of this freedom, we will leave on Friday for a visit to family in the Chicago area and be back after Memorial Day.

Eight is Great

 I approached the time for radiation therapy in a medical milieu of 3 surgeries within 9 months, radiation therapy for thyroid cancer, a bout of covid, and androgen suppression therapy which weakened me both physically and mentally. Anticipation was that the ensuing 9 weeks of radiation would be very difficult and the projected side effects would take a significant toll.

I now have 8 days of treatment to go. My Doctor has observed that the side effects have been very minimal, and I should rebound from all this relatively quickly. My friends have continually observed that I have been in good spirits. While there was a degree of mental fogginess at the beginning, my mind feels much clearer and I am able to study scripture, connect abstract thoughts, and two Sundays ago I was able to preach in a way that was profitable to the hearers and a joy to me as I felt comfortable with the mechanics of the presentation and joy on the enabling of God. I still do make run on sentences, but I am working on that.

It was observed that many people have been praying and that God has answered these prayers in a powerful way. That is so true. There were so many things that could have been bad these past days. Reasonable expectations were dark days with discomfort and difficulties. Instead, Karen and I have thrived, enjoying each other, and God and all His provisions.

 April 20

 

Radiation treatment this past Thursday was rough and I continued feeling bad all day. The normal pattern would indicate that Friday was going to be horrible. Instead, Friday's session went well, and I felt good. Afterwards I went to Lowe's for mulch. There was no one there to help load so I put 20 bags into my car. (I did pay for them first.) Karen helped me unload the car and we carried them all around the yard. I was able to do research on a project all afternoon as well as pick up another load of mulch and at dinner time I grilled tuna steaks with a honey mustard glaze, heated up riced cauliflower with Asian vegetables, and opened a bag of salad. So, Friday night we sat full, contented, and feeling good. Early to bed and a good night's sleep brought on Saturday. Saturday was active; I installed a rain barrel, carried a lot of bags of mulch, and kept feeling surprisingly good.

I found myself thinking wow two good days, when is the crash coming and how bad am I going to feel. I realized that was not a healthy or biblical way to think. Instead of dreading the unknown and what might be, I should rejoice in the known and embrace these comfortable times as a gift from God. It made me think of Matthew 6:33-34 “But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you, therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. My mother used to say don't go borrowing trouble for yourself, just do what you have to do.  It also made me ultimately think of the verse from the old hymn, ‘Many things about the future I don’t seem to understand, but I know who holds tomorrow and I know who holds my hand,’

Monday and Tuesday as well have been very good days. Because our pastor is in the hospital with covid I was asked to preach this Sunday. I have spent the morning working on a sermon, PowerPoint, and hand out and have been really blessed by how my mind has been able to focus. It is a joy to be able to interact with God’s word in a sustained and meaningful way.  I am so thoroughly enjoying myself preparing for next Sunday.

24 Down, my how time flies

Today we have completed our 24th radiation treatment. That means there are only 20 more to go. Another way of thinking is that it is  just four more weeks. As time has progressed the side effects have begun to show up more. By Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I began to have pretty bad backaches and stomach pains. Fortunately, over the weekends I recover, and we start each Monday fresh and new. But we are not going back to where we were because each week sees more of the cancer destroyed and we are further on the road to healing and recovery. It strikes me that this is a lot like life. God purposes for us to sometimes go through very difficult things. He sustains us even though the times might be painful, and He brings us through. But we don't go back to being the way we were, for we have seen demonstrations of God's grace, mercy, and faithfulness. As He brings us through those difficulties we grow in our dependence and trust of Him. It also makes me think of those road signs we used to see on Pennsylvania highways when they were doing construction. ‘Temporary inconvenience, permanent improvement’. But when it is God doing the reconstruction, it is a lot more lasting and significant.

I was happy to talk with the doctor the other day and to hear that he is happy with my progress through the treatment. He also observed that all the discomforts that I am feeling are only normal side effects and are really minimal compared to what they could be. This gives him encouragement that after the radiation is over, a lot of the distresses that my body has been feeling will gradually go away, most likely within a month. It will be nice to be able to live my life not always concerned about where the closest bathroom is and being able to go back to normal eating habits. It will be exciting to see what God’s next phase of improving me will bring.

  

Sorry for the gap in postings,

It is 11 PM Wednesday night and I feel wide awake. On Wednesdays and Sundays I double the amount of thyroid replacement and the result is usually trouble getting to sleep on Wednesday and Sunday nights. Well, today was my 17th radiation treatment. Each treatment is very short and relatively uneventful. However, I am realizing that the cumulative effects are beginning to affect me. Sure, early on there would be times when I would feel tired right after the treatment and sometimes a little bit nauseous, but these feelings would pass, and the rest of the day would be no problem. Looking back, I realize that each day I have been getting tired and more tired. If something comes up that demands my attention I rise to the occasion. But if nothing comes up, I am quite content. I have often thought about writing an update, but I find myself tired, needing to nap, and being careful not to go too far away from a bathroom as that side effect is becoming more of a factor. Karen observes that these are just a few more indignities I have to deal with. She is so sweet in her care and protectiveness of me, and I do appreciate it. But, on the other hand I see all of this coming from the hand of God with a purpose. I may not understand all the purposes, but I can see the deepening of relationship with God, Karen, friends, and family. I can see opportunities I have had to challenge and confuse those without hope, and comfort people in their difficult or fearful situations. Serving God, many have faced much greater indignities, so I count myself blessed in all the joy and peace I have.

In the midst of all this I have to say I am enjoying life. It is a blessing to spend time with my grandchildren. Karen and I may both be slowing down a bit, but we are slowing down together. During all this time I am learning and being reminded of what a wonderful blessing she is to me and I thank God so much for her. Reading and discussing the Bible with her, we are delighted after all these years to be still learning things about our God and about each other. People continue remarking about my attitude in facing death and the difficulties of living. It is only because of the reality of God working in my life that I can endure and look forward to whatever is next.

Quite an interesting side effect is from my Lupron shot. Prostate cancers feed on testosterone, part of the treatment is to reduce the level of testosterone and weaken the cancer so it is more susceptible to the radiation. The lowered testosterone has the effect of making me more expressive with my feelings. We often joke about that since being really expressive about feelings is not one of the things I was known for. The other day I was saying something very sweet, meaningful, and affirming to Karen. By the time I was finished I had tears running from my eyes and was all choked up. I felt kind of strange, but Karen defused my awkwardness by saying “there's that Lupron interfering again”. I have also noticed that it is hard sometimes to sing through a hymn without getting choked up, especially when it is referring to our hope in life and in death because of Jesus.

An update on the actual cancer situation. Blood tests show no evidence of thyroid cancer. The doctors are quite happy, but I will still need regular blood tests for the next five years to monitor the situation. The thyroid replacement medicine will be a lifelong necessity. Regarding the prostate cancer, one blood test showed a dramatic decrease in cancer markers. In my case that means from VERY high to just high. It is still too early to tell what the results eventually will be. The two big questions remaining are-                              Will the whole cancer be killed by the radiation? and                                                           How much of me will be damaged by the radiation?

Also, a little update on Karen. I am amazed at all the strength she has and blessed by her willingness to take on extra work while at the same time affirming me as I feel frustrated by what I cannot do. Two weeks age I thought that I could provide a nice break for her by sending her and our two Pennsylvania daughters to Florida to surprise our youngest daughter for her birthday. I thought a girl’s weekend in balmy Florida would be a refreshing treat for her. (Before you start thinking what a thoughtful, generous guy I am, I have to say that I did it because I was able to get roundtrip tickets for $29.) Unfortunately, after landing, on the way to leaving the airport Karen fell down the escalator. Fortunately, it was only four steps from the bottom, but she ended up with a dislocated finger, bruises, and four stitches in the head. Her first five hours in Florida were spent in an Emergency Room getting x-rays, cat scans, rings being cut from her finger, injections, etc.  After that the visit was uneventful, but it was a pleasant surprise for our daughter. Karen is recovering well, the stitches are out, her finger is almost back to normal and the bruises are painful but slowly healing. 

 One down, 43 to go

Today was the first day of radiation. Things went very smoothly end quickly. It is probably just my imagination, but I feel a little queasy down in the area of the X Ray but not any really big problem. The only disappointment that I could have about the process is that it is so quick and easy. I had thought that I might have 44 days of getting to know nurses and other patients and being able to talk to them about hope. But all the technicians sit in another room and one nurse adjust me on the table and then she leaves. There is no opportunity to even meet other patients in the waiting room. On the positive side I am in by 8:30 and out before 9 so I have the whole rest of the day to do things.

Friday was much different than today. Besides a 30 degree difference in the temperature which made it nice and balmy, I was there in the afternoon for a preliminary visit. When I was leaving in the elevator there was an older couple coming down from the second floor which is where they do chemotherapy. We started to chat a little bit and the man, remarking about the nice weather said, ‘Today is a godsend’. I remarked that for those of us having treatment in the Cancer Center every day is a Godsend. There was a moment of quietness as they reflected on that and they then said thank you and goodbye as the elevator reached the ground floor. I probably will never see them again, but I pray for them as I remember them. It was just a little comment, but it put a different perspective in their thinking, and I can only hope that it might be just one little piece that God will use in bringing them to find peace and hope in Jesus.

Update and a little insight into my head and heart

On March 4^th I had  bunch of CAT Scans which guided them to put the locator tattoos in the right place for the upcoming radiation. They also made a mold which will hold my body in the same place during all the sessions of radiation. If the Doctors can complete their treatment plan, then tomorrow will be the final preliminary visit to the cancer center before they begin the treatments.

On the Thyroid cancer front, I continue with hormone replacement pills. The big picture is that I have the proper dosage. Blood tests show the right levels, and I do not have many of the possible side effects. On a smaller scale, I reach the correct weekly dosage by taking a double dose on Saturday and Tuesday nights. That makes Sundays and Wednesdays very interesting. I swing between bouts of tiredness and energy. It seems that the cancer fog is a little more of a factor on those days too. At Wednesday night Bible study, the leader will ask for the group to find a passage related to the topic. When he gives the reference, I think ‘I know that without looking it up’ so I start to recite it and the fog rolls in and I end up paraphrasing or even making up the rest of it. We now joke that while some use the ESV and others the KJV, I use the JCE version.

It is 2:20 AM Thursday morning and I am still feeling the effects of Wednesday’s double dose. Wednesday night we were in bed by 10PM. At 11:30 I was still wide awake and ready to say, ‘Forget about all this medicine and cancer treatment. Maybe I should just live normally until I die.’ This was not the most rational of thoughts, but I was really feeling tired and discouraged with the changed lifestyle and intrusive therapies I am going through. I so much wanted to get up, throw the medicine away, cancel all my appointments, and go into the kitchen and eat foods I am not supposed to have. I realized this was ridiculous thinking and finally asked God to help me fall asleep. He was merciful and I fell right asleep. It makes me wonder why I spent the time fretting about my situation instead of asking for His help sooner. I woke at 1:35 which was the perfect time to take my next Thyroid pill. I went back to bed and began to think about all the things in this experience I could write about and by 2 AM realized that I would not remember it by morning. Thus, I find myself in my office typing this out. I am using the energy cycle of my medication for good purposes, instead of moaning about it.

I was really encouraged by something at Bible study tonight. It was one of those little ‘God things’ where I saw something that had nothing to do with the lesson and while I dwelt on it, everyone else moved on. We were looking at 2 Peter 1:3 ‘His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence,’. I took the ‘all things’ as similar to the ‘precious promises’ of verse 4 ‘by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.’ I started to list the promises that seemed especially precious to me at this stage of life. I began paying attention to the class when they started looking at Acts 2:14 and following. My eye glanced down at vs 24 ‘God raised him up, loosing the pangs of death, because it was not possible for him to be held by it.’ And the phrase ‘loosing the pangs of death’ jumped out at me. I put that together with the ‘partaker of the divine nature’ of 2 Peter 1:4 and realized that as part of our identity in and union with Christ, we are loosed from the pangs of death. This helped me understand the way I am dealing with two aggressive forms of cancer, where statistically speaking, successful treatments will see my life expectancy to be in the high single digits. How can I be not only accepting, but embracing this harsh reminder of my mortality? It is simple, it is because of Jesus, He has loosed me from the pangs of impending death. I extended that thought to another concern I have had. This is the impact of my death on Karen. I realized that while she will still experience loss, memories may be tinged with sadness, and there will be times of missing me; as a follower of Jesus, she too will be loosed from the pangs of my death. Because of this, she will grieve, but not as one who has no hope. Her hope as well as mine is rooted in the precious promises of our God and Savor, Jesus Christ.

The rest of the story from 25 Feb that I should have written sooner. 

The procedure of 25 Feb was the most painful episode in my whole cancer journey. It seems that the skin and blood vessels on my right arm are very tough. At least, that was the conclusion of the two nurses who after numerous attempts in two spots were finally able to get the IV in. I was literally groaning as I clutched onto the bed rails. Karen got up and came to the bed and rubbed my feet because she saw how much pain I was enduring. Afterwards I thought about just how merciful God has been to me through all this. Many dealing with their cancers are suffering so much more and for much longer then I did during my IV difficulty. I am certainly extremely fortunate.

After the IV, everything went smoothly and successfully. I met with the surgeon and told him over a hundred people were praying for him and we chatted about that a bit. We had an exciting ride on the gurney through crowded halls. Once I reached the operating room, I was asleep until I woke up in the room where it all started, and Karen was by my side. The aftereffects of anesthesia were minimal, and I was soon able to walk gently and slowly out to the car and go home.

Shortest Post Ever 

Surgery successful. Home now. Groggy, tender, hungry, and tired. Thankful to God and for all those who prayed.

 Moving On

After everything being cancelled because of Covid, we are making progress on treatment being scheduled. Thursday the 25^th I will have the gold markers and spacing gel put in. This is a relatively simple surgical procedure, but I will have an IV anesthetic. I am glad that I will not be awake for this, but neither am I looking forward to this as I am concerned that it will increase the fogginess that my mind has to deal with. The following Thursday March 4^th is what they call a preliminary radiation consultation. This is when they will make the mold for holding me in place and make final decisions regarding the actual radiation therapy. The. radiation therapy will start sometime in the following week. In preparation for this Thursday, I have to stop taking vitamins, supplements, and pain medications. This has made life a little uncomfortable.

I added a new song to be used at my memorial service. It hasn't been scheduled yet and I hope it won't be for awhile, but I am planning ahead. It’s sung by a group of five South African men and called ‘I could sing about heaven for a million years and never get the story told’. It is kind of upbeat and not real theologically deep, but it makes a powerful point.

Because my thyroid was totally removed, I must take a pill to replace stuff the thyroid used to make. To avoid interactions with other stuff, I have to take it between 1:00 and 2:30 AM. I am fairly good at waking up to take it, but sometimes it is hard to get back to sleep. Saturday night could not get back to sleep and my mind went to thinking about many of the times I failed in the past. Often when I have this sleeplessness, I am able to turn my thoughts to blessings I'm thankful for, but not that night. I must have dozed off a little bit because the next thing I remember is being very disturbed about dying-the uncertainty and the unknown of the process. Of all things, I thought of the Elvis Presley song ‘Softly as I leave you’. This song recounts a letter written by a seriously ill man to his wife explaining why he was going to let her sleep while he died. Softly, I will leave you softly, for my heart would break If you should wake and see me go. So, I leave you softly, long before you miss me, long before your arms can beg me stay for one more hour, for one more day. After all the years I can't bear the tears to fall, so softly, I will leave you there.
I confess I have a soft spot for Elvis’ ballads, and this always moves me. Saturday night went beyond just music appreciation. I liked the sentiment of sparing Karen having to watch me die. But I also thought don’t I want to hold her hand and talk while I pass on. I was moved to sadness as I thought about dying alone.

 I was really pretty disturbed and disheartened by this point. I began to pray and thank God for the reality of forgiveness, confessed my lack of faith, and ended up with the words of Mark 9:24 “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”. Then I fell asleep until we got up at 5:45.

I was well rested now, but still trying to process the sleeplessness and disturbing thoughts I had during the night. Looking at my phone, I saw I had a message from our Iranian daughter in London. It was just a bunch of hearts and Psalm 91. What a great Psalm, as I read it, I enjoyed the reminder of God’s love, care, and protection. What really struck me though was verse 5 ’you will not fear the terror of the night nor the arrow that flies by day’. God used that verse and the whole Psalm to make sense out of the previous night. I learned or was reminded, that God gives grace and comfort as we need it. Also, our times are in God’s hands and He will be merciful to both Karen and I and give grace as it is needed. The key is to remember and trust in His promises and commit ourselves into His care when life gets really messy or scary.

 Memories...

Getting ready for bed last night I ripped off the tape from yesterday's blood test . I commented that between the blood drawing and the EKG that was the most uncomfortable aspect of the day's tests. I then observed that next Thursday would be the next time for a hole in my arm for anesthetic and then another puncture on my body in a less comfortable and public place to insert the gold markers and the SpaceOar.

Karen kissed me and said she really admired me for the way I was responding to all the pain discomfort and indignities I was going through. That really helped a lot. Words of affirmation and touch are my two biggest ‘love languages’. But I also thought that while for decades I have talked about the sovereignty of God, it is in circumstances like this, that belief becomes precious. Especially as I know it is not a distant despot controlling things according to his own directionless whims. Instead, it is my loving, heavenly father who created me, redeemed me, controls my destiny, and does this all as an expression of His love and holiness to accomplish my good and His glory.

For Christmas I gave each of my five grandsons the gift of a day with me where I would teach them to build a birdhouse. At the time I was looking for some creative alternative to just spending money on another toy that would be forgotten in a week or two.

So far I have worked with two of the boys. While I have learned the harsh lesson that I no longer can work with the degree of precision of the days of making missile parts and jewelry, I have had a really good time. I have come to realize I am not just making birdhouses, but memories for my grandsons. I'm teaching them about tools and letting them do the work. I am talking with them, spending time just the two of us, and affirming them as they are creating something. When you have the reminder of your mortality in two cancers and their ongoing impact on your life it is a little easier to think in terms of, “This might be the last time I/we do...”, and to want to make it a good memory for the other involved. But I am thinking what a great thing it would be if we all viewed even our daily, mundane activities as an opportunity to make good memories for those we love.

 FREE AT LAST...

Our covid isolation has been over for awhile but we were still taking it easy so that we can recover our strength before going out in public again. Last Sunday was going to be the big day returning to church. The only glitch was that early Sunday morning we had about 7 inches of snow to go on top of the 30 inches that we already had. So, the service was cancelled. I was also scheduled to speak at a church via Zoom. Fortunately, the church was in California, so weather was not a problem, unfortunately we weren't there but still in snowy Bethlehem. Zoom solved the problem and we had a really great time with Rebuild Fellowship.

By the time the service was over it had stopped snowing and so we were just getting ready to change into outdoor clothes to go out and shovel and snow blow. We looked out the window and found that neighbors had done all of our sidewalks and one had even come up into the yard to shovel the little path that we had between our door and driveway. If I'm honest I would say that I got teary eyed just thinking how good God was in giving us neighbors who cared for us like that. Then today another friend whose family we regularly got together with stopped by with two bags of fruit to help us get our strength back. He mentioned that when he got homesick for his country for some reason, he would think of me and it would help. What a privilege and blessing to be in relationships like this. And then I noticed another friend had dropped off a big container of meat, vegetables, and rice and a bigger container of what she knew is one of my favorite treats - Turkish rice pudding. We so long to begin to spend face to face time with our friends again. I am anticipating many more years of life, but I can truly say that if it was to end abruptly I would have no complaints as God has made my life so full and blessed us in so many ways. Of course the greatest blessing is the certain hope that this life is not all there is. There is forgiveness of sin, eternal life in His presence and joys unspeakable to experience.

My son made the observation that since we have had covid and recovered from it that we don't have to worry about being infected by contact from anyone else nor are we able to infect any other people. This was really freeing. While we will still exercise reasonable caution and consideration for others, it does seem that it can open up having contacts with our friends again. I am looking forward to being able to spend regular time with friends who have just been email or text contacts for what seems like ages.

The procedure that was cancelled because of my covid has been rescheduled for February 25. Fortunately, that means the whole process may only be pushed back by two weeks. So, by May I should be all finished with the radiation therapy. At least during March and April except for the few side effects like tiredness, nausea, and a few other things we will be able to function like normal. At the end of the radiation, I am due for another Lupron shot which is part of the androgen suppression therapy. This is theoretically to weaken the cancer to make it more susceptible to the radiation. It has a lot of bad side effects many of which I am experiencing. Unless I am given some really compelling arguments, I am going to discontinue those shots and not get the next one.

I am all in favor of medical technology and am so thankful for the treatments that I have received. What we are wrestling with is the idea of trusting in the Lord and not statistics or probabilities and balancing the benefits of treatments versus the problems and limitations of side effects from it.

A Clearer Perspective -  thanks to all who responded and prayed

Well, our little snowstorm of three days dropped about 31 inches in our area. After writing yesterday's post, I got a phone call from my daughter. She observed that I seemed to be feeling a little down and she said, ‘I tried to think about what you would tell someone else who was feeling the way you were feeling’. Then she said, ‘I realized you would tell them to focus on the things they still could do and not on the things that they didn't have’. So, she used my own lessons to her to encourage me on my outlook for the day. It is nice to have children who are so exceptionally wise and caring. I also appreciated a number of other emails from friends who encouraged me to back off, realize I am not indestructible or indispensable, and to allow others to enjoy blessing us. Thanks for being willing to challenge me. We were close to running out of bread and a neighbor just dropped by with a loaf of homemade bread she had made for us. It is so comforting to see how God supplies for us.

 In the morning our neighbors came over and began clearing our sidewalks driveway and car. I watched from the window for a while but then put on my overalls, jacket, and boots and went outside to express my appreciation. They did a really nice job and since we live on a corner, they did a big job with all the sidewalks, about 150 feet. I spent the time talking to other neighbors and enjoying the fresh air. When all of our stuff was done, I noticed a young couple across the street trying to clear their cars which were majorly plowed under. This is the fellow that had sent me the email asking if we were OK, but he also had recently had shoulder surgery and was wielding his shovel with one hand. I had accidentally gotten my snow blower out of the garage and started it just to do some openings to the street so I went across to give him a hand. Being a nontraditional thinker I came up with an idea to easily extricate his cars and move them into our driveway . This gave us lots of room to work and he just used his shovel to break the snow down and I ran my snow blower back and forth clearing it out. In just two hours we had the whole job done.

After all the days of inactivity this was just the kind of therapy that I needed. My lungs felt great, I was pleasantly exhausted, and enjoyed going inside to rest. It was also nice seeing others help and give of themselves for us. An added little bonus was still being able to help someone else. I had planned to continue my recovery therapy by having a steak for dinner. Someone gifted us with a nice box of them and it seemed like a good time to break one out. Unfortunately I kept forgetting to defrost one. Ultimately Karen made a big pot of curried squash soup which turned out to be just right.

 We are still waiting to have our medical procedures rescheduled. It is disappointing in that while I do not relish more holes being made in me or 44 days of radiation, I would like to get this over with. However, God has redirected the plans several times already and it is exciting to think where He might be taking us next. Karen and I are learning to appreciate the days He gives us and to trust Him for what He will lead us through. Neither she nor I like uncertainties, we would much rather plan and DO. One thing we are gradually coming to trust in is the reality that while there might be momentary unknowns for us, for God, He has no uncertainties and is accomplishing His will in the way that is best and loving for us and according to His infinite perfections.

One Quick Update

Well I am officially past the time where I have to be isolated because of covid. I would like to say that I am full of vim and vigor and back to normal. However, that is not the case I am still very tired. During the one week I lost over 15 pounds and I find myself still sleeping quite a bit. The fog is still there and while I might have good intentions of doing things, carrying them out is very slow.

I find myself very frustrated, so far we've gotten over 18 inches of snow and I am not able to go out and play in it with my snow blower. Under normal conditions I would have been out twice already and been up and down and around our block. It has been encouraging though, one neighbor told Karen and I not to worry about clearing snow at all and they would take care of everything for us. Another neighbor noticed Karen outside playing in the snow and sent me a note asking if everything was OK because he hadn't seen me. They have offered to help in any way including bringing meals over to us. It is hard being on the receiving end of kindnesses from others. We are the ones who like to do things to help others and now we find or at least I find myself greatly limited. It is probably an important lesson for me to learn. I am not sure what the lesson is though.

One of the little side effects of the covid is that all of the medical procedures that had been scheduled have been cancelled and have to be rescheduled. So, I don't know when the procedure for the spacer or gold markers is going to be nor do I know when radiation therapy will start. 

However, if it turns out to be more then a common cold...

Well I had been wondering what would be next in this whole journey. In my last post I talked confidently about my common cold. I was lovingly castigated by someone close to me for making an assumption like I did when I didn't have any medical testing done. Well, my doctor wanted to be cautious and so he scheduled a test. Lo and behold I came back positive for covid. Now whether the cold weakened my system so that I came down with covid or if it was covid all along who knows. I did think in a rather perverse kind of way how funny it would be if after all of the concerns about surviving two cancers I ended up dying of covid. While I am not intending on dying from this just now, I do feel pretty roughed up. Except for my chest, breathing, tiredness, and chills I am fine And I feel exhausted all the time. But on Monday the doctor has me scheduled for a special infusion procedure; one hour being on an IV line receiving antibodies and then two hours of observation making sure I respond well to all of that. That is the same treatment President Trump received and my doctor is anticipating as dramatic results for me. Karen has also been tested today and hopefully we will have results back by Sunday. The bigger issues are involved with our grandchildren who Karen has been caring for. Now there's issues of them being quarantined and missing school. It is hard for Karen too as we had lots of activities with friends scheduled and now, they are all cancelled. She is such a gem in her loving and sacrificial care for me.

We had a pleasant phone call from a friend we had made 20 some years ago. He is of African background and so brought a different perspective 2 all the accumulation of illness. He is in the medical field and observed that while one cancer is normal, two cancers are highly unusual, and now with covid it seems like maybe something else is at play. He reflected that the work we are doing is important and has been blessed by God and it could not make the enemy happy. So, he was looking at these accumulated medical issues as perhaps attacks from the enemy. I am not usually inclined to think like that, but it did seem that he might have a point. If this is the case. the good news is that what we are doing is important enough to get the enemy worried and that there is the potential for even greater blessings accomplishments. We just have to survive these present difficulties.

As we go through all this we are finding your friendships so precious and are so glad that in Jesus we have a sure and certain hope. Talking on the phone is difficult so we would appreciate your texting or emails. Thanks 

 one good thing about the common cold, you feel so much better when you recover

I have often thought about writing another post sooner, but I went and caught a common cold. I thoroughly checked to make sure the symptoms were that of a cold and not of covid, the flu, or some other dread disease. Although it has been a battle and took a lot out of me. I mentioned to a friend about the cold and he sympathized with me about the tough breaks I was having. I was able to honestly respond ‘thanks but I have the biggest break of all in knowing God and being able to trust in His purposes’.  In our reading this morning we came to Job 2:10 ‘Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?’. I was challenged because it is so easy to accept all of the really nice things that God has done and sometimes in the face of difficulties, I get concerned about the hardship of maybe being deprived of some of them and I do not think about all the horrible things He has delivered me from.

After Karen read my last blog post we talked about death. Not morbidly but realistically and supportively. Having wills and final plans takes on a whole new perspective now. I need to be ready to live and ready to die. That is so true when you are 70 and have cancer. But you know it is also true if you are 70 and you are healthy or 60 or 30.

It is nice to have these little physical reminders about why it is good to remember memories, be thankful, express appreciation to the wonderful woman who stood by my side through so many things, and even to give freedom for her to remarry if I am not around any longer. Also, there are a lot of other practical steps that now become important. Karen had often wanted to be brought into the bill paying details. That was difficult because everything is done on computer and she is not known for her compatibility with computers. But she now has her own checking account and list of bills that she is paying. In addition, I have listed all the bills paid by direct debit, important websites, passwords, and made a video catalog of rugs, paintings, and other collectables with advice on what to do with them. I also assured her there was nothing on my computer I was ashamed for her to see. If that is something you could not say to your spouse right now, I urge you to make it so. It will spare them pain from discovering it, it is not profitable for your walk with God, and it is an impediment to closeness and openness with your spouse.

I am feeling much recovered from the cold. But I still am very weak, and I am afraid that the cancer fog shows up a little bit. So, I apologize for any grammatical errors, spelling mistakes etc. Typing skills are not the best right now, so I have dictated it and tried to proofread to make some sense.

The Doctors are Back

 

December and the first three days of January were very relaxed as far as medical procedures go. Not a single blood test, surgical procedure, or even a doctor's visit. If it were not for all the little things like getting up at 2:30 in the morning for medicine, a confusing mass of pills during the day, headaches, hot flashes, joint pain, tiredness, wrestling with weight gain, and a few other little side effects I would have forgotten that I had these cancers.  But alas, these past five days have seen a number of calls from the nurse who facilitates all the indignities done to cancer patients. Setting up appointments, changing appointments, talking about treatment options, and reminding me of 8 blood tests to be done Next Monday, a doctor's appointment the following week, more blood tests and an EKG on the 1st of February, a small surgical procedure on the 9th, preliminary radiation consultation on the 16th, and just for something different a visit to the dermatologist to see if any skin cancers have returned. Well looking at my calendar is kind of a graphic reminder that I am battling cancer. At least so far while there have been some tough skirmishes, I am still winning the battle. One thing I am wrestling with is whether to continue one type of treatment. Statistically, if I continue for another 1 ¾ years it will possibly extend the success of the treatment up through my early eighties. I have asked if they would give a written, money back guarantee to me for that, but no one has been willing. But the side effects really make life difficult and have some permanent, less then positive effects. Maybe it is pride that I do not want to exist with limited capabilities and embarrassing physical problems, maybe it is cowardice that I do not want to face the difficulties, or maybe I just do not want to play the odds and would like to make my remaining years productive and enjoyable even if that means possibly shorter in duration. Fortunately I have until May to make that decision.

One of the things Karen and I started to do was to organize our photos. We had 47 years of photos covering 27 different countries plus a lifetime of our family in albums, boxes, envelopes, and other places. Then there were also all the family pictures from generations past. So, we set out digitizing everything. A lot of photos can be sent off to be professionally scanned for us. But a lot of the odd sized or photos with glue on them or large ones cannot go out to be done so I am doing them on our scanner. To say that the activity is tedious is an understatement. However, I think these hours have been some of the most meaningful and exciting times I have spent recently. As I have worked through them, I've been reminded of activities like mission strips where we experienced a different type of life and met believers whose culture and affluence were so different than ours in America, but often whose faith was so much stronger and real to them. There were family trips to visit missionaries and explore family heritage where we learned so much about each other and about our families. It was exciting to see how God had been involved in the lives of those in previous generations. Seeing family and friends at so many different stages of their lives reminded us of God's faithfulness and blessing through all the years. I probably could have worked faster if I had not spent time reminiscing and praying for old friends as I saw their faces once again. It was a really good time.

As I go through a lot of the annoying side effects of my treatments God gives me these little reminders that it is not all about me. I was lamenting to a friend how inconvenient hot flashes were at night. The problem is I get all cozy under layers of covers because we keep our room a little cool, and then I get a hot flash, so I toss the covers off, but sometimes I fall asleep before the hot flash is over. Now I am sound asleep with no hot flash but also with no covers and I wake up really cold and uncomfortable. After I related these monumental struggles to my friend and was expecting comfort, pity, and encouragement for my steadfastness in the midst of these great difficulties; she took the wind out of my sails by saying ‘so what's the big deal, I thought you had something important to say, we women have been going through this for years ‘. So, it was either a rebuke for my self-centeredness or a learning experience to be more sensitive to others and look beyond my own discomfort.

I think I am almost up to date in responding to emails and phone calls. With the renewal of all this medical stuff I am anticipating that cancer fog might become more of a factor. So, I beg your indulgence if I am slow in responding to communications from you. Your contact does mean a lot and while I might not respond in writing or calling right away, I am responding in my heart with thankfulness and appreciation for your concern.