However, if it turns out to be more then a common cold...

Well I had been wondering what would be next in this whole journey. In my last post I talked confidently about my common cold. I was lovingly castigated by someone close to me for making an assumption like I did when I didn't have any medical testing done. Well, my doctor wanted to be cautious and so he scheduled a test. Lo and behold I came back positive for covid. Now whether the cold weakened my system so that I came down with covid or if it was covid all along who knows. I did think in a rather perverse kind of way how funny it would be if after all of the concerns about surviving two cancers I ended up dying of covid. While I am not intending on dying from this just now, I do feel pretty roughed up. Except for my chest, breathing, tiredness, and chills I am fine And I feel exhausted all the time. But on Monday the doctor has me scheduled for a special infusion procedure; one hour being on an IV line receiving antibodies and then two hours of observation making sure I respond well to all of that. That is the same treatment President Trump received and my doctor is anticipating as dramatic results for me. Karen has also been tested today and hopefully we will have results back by Sunday. The bigger issues are involved with our grandchildren who Karen has been caring for. Now there's issues of them being quarantined and missing school. It is hard for Karen too as we had lots of activities with friends scheduled and now, they are all cancelled. She is such a gem in her loving and sacrificial care for me.

We had a pleasant phone call from a friend we had made 20 some years ago. He is of African background and so brought a different perspective 2 all the accumulation of illness. He is in the medical field and observed that while one cancer is normal, two cancers are highly unusual, and now with covid it seems like maybe something else is at play. He reflected that the work we are doing is important and has been blessed by God and it could not make the enemy happy. So, he was looking at these accumulated medical issues as perhaps attacks from the enemy. I am not usually inclined to think like that, but it did seem that he might have a point. If this is the case. the good news is that what we are doing is important enough to get the enemy worried and that there is the potential for even greater blessings accomplishments. We just have to survive these present difficulties.

As we go through all this we are finding your friendships so precious and are so glad that in Jesus we have a sure and certain hope. Talking on the phone is difficult so we would appreciate your texting or emails. Thanks 

 one good thing about the common cold, you feel so much better when you recover

I have often thought about writing another post sooner, but I went and caught a common cold. I thoroughly checked to make sure the symptoms were that of a cold and not of covid, the flu, or some other dread disease. Although it has been a battle and took a lot out of me. I mentioned to a friend about the cold and he sympathized with me about the tough breaks I was having. I was able to honestly respond ‘thanks but I have the biggest break of all in knowing God and being able to trust in His purposes’.  In our reading this morning we came to Job 2:10 ‘Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?’. I was challenged because it is so easy to accept all of the really nice things that God has done and sometimes in the face of difficulties, I get concerned about the hardship of maybe being deprived of some of them and I do not think about all the horrible things He has delivered me from.

After Karen read my last blog post we talked about death. Not morbidly but realistically and supportively. Having wills and final plans takes on a whole new perspective now. I need to be ready to live and ready to die. That is so true when you are 70 and have cancer. But you know it is also true if you are 70 and you are healthy or 60 or 30.

It is nice to have these little physical reminders about why it is good to remember memories, be thankful, express appreciation to the wonderful woman who stood by my side through so many things, and even to give freedom for her to remarry if I am not around any longer. Also, there are a lot of other practical steps that now become important. Karen had often wanted to be brought into the bill paying details. That was difficult because everything is done on computer and she is not known for her compatibility with computers. But she now has her own checking account and list of bills that she is paying. In addition, I have listed all the bills paid by direct debit, important websites, passwords, and made a video catalog of rugs, paintings, and other collectables with advice on what to do with them. I also assured her there was nothing on my computer I was ashamed for her to see. If that is something you could not say to your spouse right now, I urge you to make it so. It will spare them pain from discovering it, it is not profitable for your walk with God, and it is an impediment to closeness and openness with your spouse.

I am feeling much recovered from the cold. But I still am very weak, and I am afraid that the cancer fog shows up a little bit. So, I apologize for any grammatical errors, spelling mistakes etc. Typing skills are not the best right now, so I have dictated it and tried to proofread to make some sense.

The Doctors are Back

 

December and the first three days of January were very relaxed as far as medical procedures go. Not a single blood test, surgical procedure, or even a doctor's visit. If it were not for all the little things like getting up at 2:30 in the morning for medicine, a confusing mass of pills during the day, headaches, hot flashes, joint pain, tiredness, wrestling with weight gain, and a few other little side effects I would have forgotten that I had these cancers.  But alas, these past five days have seen a number of calls from the nurse who facilitates all the indignities done to cancer patients. Setting up appointments, changing appointments, talking about treatment options, and reminding me of 8 blood tests to be done Next Monday, a doctor's appointment the following week, more blood tests and an EKG on the 1st of February, a small surgical procedure on the 9th, preliminary radiation consultation on the 16th, and just for something different a visit to the dermatologist to see if any skin cancers have returned. Well looking at my calendar is kind of a graphic reminder that I am battling cancer. At least so far while there have been some tough skirmishes, I am still winning the battle. One thing I am wrestling with is whether to continue one type of treatment. Statistically, if I continue for another 1 ¾ years it will possibly extend the success of the treatment up through my early eighties. I have asked if they would give a written, money back guarantee to me for that, but no one has been willing. But the side effects really make life difficult and have some permanent, less then positive effects. Maybe it is pride that I do not want to exist with limited capabilities and embarrassing physical problems, maybe it is cowardice that I do not want to face the difficulties, or maybe I just do not want to play the odds and would like to make my remaining years productive and enjoyable even if that means possibly shorter in duration. Fortunately I have until May to make that decision.

One of the things Karen and I started to do was to organize our photos. We had 47 years of photos covering 27 different countries plus a lifetime of our family in albums, boxes, envelopes, and other places. Then there were also all the family pictures from generations past. So, we set out digitizing everything. A lot of photos can be sent off to be professionally scanned for us. But a lot of the odd sized or photos with glue on them or large ones cannot go out to be done so I am doing them on our scanner. To say that the activity is tedious is an understatement. However, I think these hours have been some of the most meaningful and exciting times I have spent recently. As I have worked through them, I've been reminded of activities like mission strips where we experienced a different type of life and met believers whose culture and affluence were so different than ours in America, but often whose faith was so much stronger and real to them. There were family trips to visit missionaries and explore family heritage where we learned so much about each other and about our families. It was exciting to see how God had been involved in the lives of those in previous generations. Seeing family and friends at so many different stages of their lives reminded us of God's faithfulness and blessing through all the years. I probably could have worked faster if I had not spent time reminiscing and praying for old friends as I saw their faces once again. It was a really good time.

As I go through a lot of the annoying side effects of my treatments God gives me these little reminders that it is not all about me. I was lamenting to a friend how inconvenient hot flashes were at night. The problem is I get all cozy under layers of covers because we keep our room a little cool, and then I get a hot flash, so I toss the covers off, but sometimes I fall asleep before the hot flash is over. Now I am sound asleep with no hot flash but also with no covers and I wake up really cold and uncomfortable. After I related these monumental struggles to my friend and was expecting comfort, pity, and encouragement for my steadfastness in the midst of these great difficulties; she took the wind out of my sails by saying ‘so what's the big deal, I thought you had something important to say, we women have been going through this for years ‘. So, it was either a rebuke for my self-centeredness or a learning experience to be more sensitive to others and look beyond my own discomfort.

I think I am almost up to date in responding to emails and phone calls. With the renewal of all this medical stuff I am anticipating that cancer fog might become more of a factor. So, I beg your indulgence if I am slow in responding to communications from you. Your contact does mean a lot and while I might not respond in writing or calling right away, I am responding in my heart with thankfulness and appreciation for your concern.

It is not all about hot flashes... 

We were driving up to my son’s house for an early family Christmas celebration and I was feeling increasingly hot. I asked Karen if she felt warm hoping maybe it was not me, but she was fine. I was starting to get concerned because the hot flash kept getting stronger and was longer than I had ever experienced before. I began to be concerned about how this would affect me at the family time as I was starting to sweat and be very uncomfortable and focused on it. As we drove further, I dropped my hand down to the heated seat controls and discovered that mine were on high. I switched it off and immediately began to recover from my hot flash. It struck me how careful I need to be that I do not blame every ailment or discomfort on the cancer stuff. Even more I need to watch that I don't rationalize frustration, short temper, unwise statements, and so forth as just being part of my cancer and not considering it as a part of me that I am responsible to control. No matter how bad I might feel I don't have the right to be careless about other people's feelings.

We had a week open with no doctors’ appointments tests, etc. The girl that Karen was tutoring at Community College had finished her classes and Karen was free. So, we quickly arranged a reunion of Karen’s siblings at my daughter's house in Florida. Allegiant flies 5 minutes from our house and had some really cheap rates. It was pretty nice being in warm weather again. Although we did drive around one massive community that coordinated their Christmas decorations, it was still hard to feel like we were in the right season as we were wearing shorts and sandals and had the windows open. It was a good time of relaxation, but I did see some of the physical limitations that are developing. I learned that people who love me will accept that, and I do not have to be grumpy or defensive. One of the side effects that I struggled a bit with on the trip was vertigo and so when we visited a botanical garden, I had to be pushed around in a wheelchair. That could have been disheartening but everyone joined in in making it seem okay. No one tipped me out of my chair when going over rough terrain nor did they play any tricks like pushing me in a corner and leaving me there.

On the trip I had the joy of connecting with a young man who had allowed me to be part of his life several years ago when he was going through a very difficult situation. He was exceedingly kind in expressing his appreciation for all the wisdom and help that I had given him. Funny thing is though, during all that time I felt so frustrated because I could not really help him out of his situation and all I could give him was a listening ear and encouragement to continue trusting God and obeying His word. Well God worked through that whole situation brought healing and there is now a healthy and growing family in place. He told me that one thing that encouraged him during all that was a quote from CS Lewis who said “there are far better things ahead than any we may leave behind “. That just struck and comforted me so much. You can take that statement and apply it to the contrast between Heaven which is far ahead of us and our life on earth left behind when we die. And that is certainly true; as striking as our joys are here on earth they are nothing compared to what we will have in Heaven. But at that time, I had been thinking of my growing limitations, things that I would never be able to do again, that are the result of surgeries, treatments, and medications which are all necessary to keep me alive and functioning. There are a lot of things that I am leaving behind. But my hope and comfort is that God's blessings are not just far away in eternity. I can either focus on things I am leaving behind like physical abilities and even physical comfort or I can reflect on the things that I am learning about God and myself, the joys of knowing and trusting Him more, the excitement of looking at life as a precious commodity to be cherished, and the joy of being with those I love and who love me. What God has done in the six months since the beginning of this cancer journey is really so much better and precious then the things that that I am leaving behind because of the battle with cancer.

Words Mean a Lot

 In my circles, I feel like an anomaly. Most of my friends have never had cancer, let alone having two during the same year. It is a learning process for them as they interact with me. I have never been in a cancer battle before, so it is a learning process for me as well. In a previous post I wrote about the struggle with people’s words during my dark times. Today I want to reflect on the brighter, more rational, gospel focused times. One of the biggest things I fear is to lose functioning abilities and become a drain on others.

Last weekend we had a visit from a couple who talked about some family issues they were going through. It was not a therapy session, just two couples meeting each other and becoming friends. During the course of the evening, I made some offhand comments that they thought were insightful and they were very expressive of their appreciation. They didn't know how much “cancer fog” is a struggle for me. At least in my perception it is. I just do not feel as mentally sharp as I did before all of this started. I often am reticent about expressing myself because I fear I might not make sense or be able to find the right words to use. Their words were an affirmation that perhaps my mind is not as foggy as I sometimes fear. Maybe it is even a prod to not hold back and to look for places where I can express thoughts and discuss issues deeply. The other night we had dinner with some friends. One asked if I felt as good as I looked I responded, “I did yesterday but today was a struggle”. I then went on to talk about dealing with Vertigo all day. My big concern had been that after living all day in a world that would unexpectedly start spinning around and my stumbling through it, I would be out of sorts and spoil the evening for everyone. His words were a great encouragement that maybe I was able to function a lot better than I thought.

I do not think that in either situation they knew what I was struggling with. I do not think they were aware what a blessing and encouragement their words were to me. In both cases it was only normal expressions during a normal conversation. Nothing formal or prepared. Just an expression of thoughtfulness and concern. I began to wonder how often we leave words unspoken which could mean so much to others. Proverbs 25:11 A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver has certainly taken a more significant meaning as I go through all of this. How precious are those fitly spoken words that come out of natural conversations that are rooted in the love of God and love for each other.

On another note. December 14th has special significance for me. Today is the day I am NOT having surgery. It had been scheduled for today, it had been a big burden on my heart. I did not want to go through another surgery but there did not seem to be any other options. I prayed to be able to endure and get through it but did not have enough faith to pray about not having it done. After all, I could not figure out a solution to suggest to God, so how could I pray about it? God worked. Tests showed that surgery would most likely not be effective as the tumor was more intrusive then previously thought. So, another treatment would be used.

I am slowly learning some things that hopefully will help me in my walk with the Lord as I go through this period of life and hopefully make me more sensitive to others in their struggles. I am thankful for the lessons I am learning. The only thing that bothers me is why I had to be so dense as to require such drastic teaching methods to be used. I say that a bit tongue in cheek as I consider myself to be extremely blessed, comforted, and cared for by my family, friends, and a faithful powerful God whom I know is my Heavenly Father, the Risen Son whose sacrifice brings me hope and eternal life, and the Holy Spirit who is my instructor and comforter.

Who turned the thermostat up? 

Unlike my stodgy contemplative stay at home wife, I have always been adventurous and looking for new experiences, charging ahead into the unknown. Wait a minute I think I have that backwards. Those of you that know me understand how much I like the status quo. If something works why change it? Don’t look for something new, you might find it!

 Well 2020 has been a year of new experiences! As I begin writing this I realize never in my lifetime had I ever thought that I would ever be writing about my hot flashes. I am not referring to moments of brilliant insight but instead to feeling hot, breaking out into sweats for no apparent reasons. It is a side effect of the shots that I will have every six months for the next two years. It does good things like starve the cancer cells and make radiation therapy more effective. But there are some repercussions: dizziness, headaches, muscle stiffness, and pounding in the ears to name a few. I am not looking for pity and I don't want to belabor this. I have known about the concept of hot flashes for years. I have counseled and encouraged sufferers and their spouses, but I never could really sympathize. And to be honest, a little part of me always said in the back of my mind get over it and get on with your responsibilities.

 For years in my youth, I wondered about people claiming to be limited in work and other activities by back problems. That was until I herniated a disc in my lower back. Then I gained a new appreciation for their situation. Likewise, while I in no way compare my difficulties to those dealing with menopause, I start to get the inklings of some of its significance for them. Menopause brings with it not only physical distress but is a constant and powerful reminder of big changes taking place in a person's life. They are passing a point from which there is no going back , there are losses of opportunities, and it is a reminder of aging and perhaps future limitations. In the same way, my hot flashes are uncomfortable reminders. On one hand it shows that the medication is working and hopefully the cancer is getting weaker. But it is also a reminder of the existence of cancer and the fact that for me things have drastically changed, and I will need to embrace a new normal. Because the reality is, things will not go back to the way they were. And some things will never be figured out. In research today I discovered that other side effects I am dealing with can all come from any of three medications I am taking. No big deal. No big deal in less you have a nit-picky, inquisitive mind that is always trying to figure out the ‘How Come’ of things. 

Maybe I just need to take the advice I often gave to others. Do not try to figure it out just deal with it. Maybe I need to heed Paul’s observations in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us”. We are to look to God for His mercy. We are to learn to be able to use His mercy to comfort others. As I was thinking about this, perhaps we need to also listen to people in their troubles to hear the issues beyond the surface and easily apparent ones. Maybe we also need to realize that even if their issue is something which has never troubled us and even does not make sense as to why it is an issue, that does not matter. It is a problem to them, and out of love we should have their good and comfort through God's mercies as our focus.

 A Little Rant

We were driving to church and Karen brought up the idea of downsizing. She had good thoughts about all the stuff that we had accumulated over the years and were not using. But she added in the idea that if I weren’t here, she wouldn't know what to do with the stuff or how to sell it for the best prices. I began to hesitate, or from her perception, be really agitated against the idea. She challenged me about that and I promptly denied it by pointing out how sensitive and caring I am. But I began to think and examined my hesitation about doing it. I mean I like all of the possessions, but I also know it's just stuff. And I realized that some of it has value and it would be hard for Karen to start to sell or even to know where and how to sell this stuff. It struck me that maybe it is because doing that makes it seem like I am giving in to dying. I am not in denial as death is a significant part of my reality. And I am being responsible in many ways by preparing for and making provisions for Karen. But I am just not ready to give up to cancer. We are praying, we are getting reasonable medical care, and I am trying to take care of myself through diet and exercise. But, I do not want to define myself by cancer, I do not want my living moments to always be focused on cancer. A side note generated by the strange way my mind works- statistically in the next few years I have a better chance of dying in a car accident than because of cancer.

I appreciate people showing care and encouragement by praying and speaking to me. Sometimes it is a little hard when people remark about how healthy I look or how they are inspired by my faith. On the one hand it is nice, and I receive it with the good intent they meant. But later, in darker times, I reflect and begin to feel they might be saying -  for a cancer ridden, near death, frail old man I look like I'm doing OK. Then I wonder should I be down and depressed and letting my cancer dominate me, would that make people more comfortable? Then my thoughts rise up and want to shout, ‘I'm not dead’. I may be dying, and death is drawing closer, but in a sense, we are all in that same condition. But God intervenes and I remember that in their own way they are expressing love and concern for me.

That being said, I hope people continue to express their love and encouragement because it means a lot, it is encouraging. 'So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.' 1Thessolonians 5:11.