Words Mean a Lot

 In my circles, I feel like an anomaly. Most of my friends have never had cancer, let alone having two during the same year. It is a learning process for them as they interact with me. I have never been in a cancer battle before, so it is a learning process for me as well. In a previous post I wrote about the struggle with people’s words during my dark times. Today I want to reflect on the brighter, more rational, gospel focused times. One of the biggest things I fear is to lose functioning abilities and become a drain on others.

Last weekend we had a visit from a couple who talked about some family issues they were going through. It was not a therapy session, just two couples meeting each other and becoming friends. During the course of the evening, I made some offhand comments that they thought were insightful and they were very expressive of their appreciation. They didn't know how much “cancer fog” is a struggle for me. At least in my perception it is. I just do not feel as mentally sharp as I did before all of this started. I often am reticent about expressing myself because I fear I might not make sense or be able to find the right words to use. Their words were an affirmation that perhaps my mind is not as foggy as I sometimes fear. Maybe it is even a prod to not hold back and to look for places where I can express thoughts and discuss issues deeply. The other night we had dinner with some friends. One asked if I felt as good as I looked I responded, “I did yesterday but today was a struggle”. I then went on to talk about dealing with Vertigo all day. My big concern had been that after living all day in a world that would unexpectedly start spinning around and my stumbling through it, I would be out of sorts and spoil the evening for everyone. His words were a great encouragement that maybe I was able to function a lot better than I thought.

I do not think that in either situation they knew what I was struggling with. I do not think they were aware what a blessing and encouragement their words were to me. In both cases it was only normal expressions during a normal conversation. Nothing formal or prepared. Just an expression of thoughtfulness and concern. I began to wonder how often we leave words unspoken which could mean so much to others. Proverbs 25:11 A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver has certainly taken a more significant meaning as I go through all of this. How precious are those fitly spoken words that come out of natural conversations that are rooted in the love of God and love for each other.

On another note. December 14th has special significance for me. Today is the day I am NOT having surgery. It had been scheduled for today, it had been a big burden on my heart. I did not want to go through another surgery but there did not seem to be any other options. I prayed to be able to endure and get through it but did not have enough faith to pray about not having it done. After all, I could not figure out a solution to suggest to God, so how could I pray about it? God worked. Tests showed that surgery would most likely not be effective as the tumor was more intrusive then previously thought. So, another treatment would be used.

I am slowly learning some things that hopefully will help me in my walk with the Lord as I go through this period of life and hopefully make me more sensitive to others in their struggles. I am thankful for the lessons I am learning. The only thing that bothers me is why I had to be so dense as to require such drastic teaching methods to be used. I say that a bit tongue in cheek as I consider myself to be extremely blessed, comforted, and cared for by my family, friends, and a faithful powerful God whom I know is my Heavenly Father, the Risen Son whose sacrifice brings me hope and eternal life, and the Holy Spirit who is my instructor and comforter.