Eight is Great

 I approached the time for radiation therapy in a medical milieu of 3 surgeries within 9 months, radiation therapy for thyroid cancer, a bout of covid, and androgen suppression therapy which weakened me both physically and mentally. Anticipation was that the ensuing 9 weeks of radiation would be very difficult and the projected side effects would take a significant toll.

I now have 8 days of treatment to go. My Doctor has observed that the side effects have been very minimal, and I should rebound from all this relatively quickly. My friends have continually observed that I have been in good spirits. While there was a degree of mental fogginess at the beginning, my mind feels much clearer and I am able to study scripture, connect abstract thoughts, and two Sundays ago I was able to preach in a way that was profitable to the hearers and a joy to me as I felt comfortable with the mechanics of the presentation and joy on the enabling of God. I still do make run on sentences, but I am working on that.

It was observed that many people have been praying and that God has answered these prayers in a powerful way. That is so true. There were so many things that could have been bad these past days. Reasonable expectations were dark days with discomfort and difficulties. Instead, Karen and I have thrived, enjoying each other, and God and all His provisions.

 April 20

 

Radiation treatment this past Thursday was rough and I continued feeling bad all day. The normal pattern would indicate that Friday was going to be horrible. Instead, Friday's session went well, and I felt good. Afterwards I went to Lowe's for mulch. There was no one there to help load so I put 20 bags into my car. (I did pay for them first.) Karen helped me unload the car and we carried them all around the yard. I was able to do research on a project all afternoon as well as pick up another load of mulch and at dinner time I grilled tuna steaks with a honey mustard glaze, heated up riced cauliflower with Asian vegetables, and opened a bag of salad. So, Friday night we sat full, contented, and feeling good. Early to bed and a good night's sleep brought on Saturday. Saturday was active; I installed a rain barrel, carried a lot of bags of mulch, and kept feeling surprisingly good.

I found myself thinking wow two good days, when is the crash coming and how bad am I going to feel. I realized that was not a healthy or biblical way to think. Instead of dreading the unknown and what might be, I should rejoice in the known and embrace these comfortable times as a gift from God. It made me think of Matthew 6:33-34 “But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you, therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. My mother used to say don't go borrowing trouble for yourself, just do what you have to do.  It also made me ultimately think of the verse from the old hymn, ‘Many things about the future I don’t seem to understand, but I know who holds tomorrow and I know who holds my hand,’

Monday and Tuesday as well have been very good days. Because our pastor is in the hospital with covid I was asked to preach this Sunday. I have spent the morning working on a sermon, PowerPoint, and hand out and have been really blessed by how my mind has been able to focus. It is a joy to be able to interact with God’s word in a sustained and meaningful way.  I am so thoroughly enjoying myself preparing for next Sunday.

24 Down, my how time flies

Today we have completed our 24th radiation treatment. That means there are only 20 more to go. Another way of thinking is that it is  just four more weeks. As time has progressed the side effects have begun to show up more. By Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I began to have pretty bad backaches and stomach pains. Fortunately, over the weekends I recover, and we start each Monday fresh and new. But we are not going back to where we were because each week sees more of the cancer destroyed and we are further on the road to healing and recovery. It strikes me that this is a lot like life. God purposes for us to sometimes go through very difficult things. He sustains us even though the times might be painful, and He brings us through. But we don't go back to being the way we were, for we have seen demonstrations of God's grace, mercy, and faithfulness. As He brings us through those difficulties we grow in our dependence and trust of Him. It also makes me think of those road signs we used to see on Pennsylvania highways when they were doing construction. ‘Temporary inconvenience, permanent improvement’. But when it is God doing the reconstruction, it is a lot more lasting and significant.

I was happy to talk with the doctor the other day and to hear that he is happy with my progress through the treatment. He also observed that all the discomforts that I am feeling are only normal side effects and are really minimal compared to what they could be. This gives him encouragement that after the radiation is over, a lot of the distresses that my body has been feeling will gradually go away, most likely within a month. It will be nice to be able to live my life not always concerned about where the closest bathroom is and being able to go back to normal eating habits. It will be exciting to see what God’s next phase of improving me will bring.

  

Sorry for the gap in postings,

It is 11 PM Wednesday night and I feel wide awake. On Wednesdays and Sundays I double the amount of thyroid replacement and the result is usually trouble getting to sleep on Wednesday and Sunday nights. Well, today was my 17th radiation treatment. Each treatment is very short and relatively uneventful. However, I am realizing that the cumulative effects are beginning to affect me. Sure, early on there would be times when I would feel tired right after the treatment and sometimes a little bit nauseous, but these feelings would pass, and the rest of the day would be no problem. Looking back, I realize that each day I have been getting tired and more tired. If something comes up that demands my attention I rise to the occasion. But if nothing comes up, I am quite content. I have often thought about writing an update, but I find myself tired, needing to nap, and being careful not to go too far away from a bathroom as that side effect is becoming more of a factor. Karen observes that these are just a few more indignities I have to deal with. She is so sweet in her care and protectiveness of me, and I do appreciate it. But, on the other hand I see all of this coming from the hand of God with a purpose. I may not understand all the purposes, but I can see the deepening of relationship with God, Karen, friends, and family. I can see opportunities I have had to challenge and confuse those without hope, and comfort people in their difficult or fearful situations. Serving God, many have faced much greater indignities, so I count myself blessed in all the joy and peace I have.

In the midst of all this I have to say I am enjoying life. It is a blessing to spend time with my grandchildren. Karen and I may both be slowing down a bit, but we are slowing down together. During all this time I am learning and being reminded of what a wonderful blessing she is to me and I thank God so much for her. Reading and discussing the Bible with her, we are delighted after all these years to be still learning things about our God and about each other. People continue remarking about my attitude in facing death and the difficulties of living. It is only because of the reality of God working in my life that I can endure and look forward to whatever is next.

Quite an interesting side effect is from my Lupron shot. Prostate cancers feed on testosterone, part of the treatment is to reduce the level of testosterone and weaken the cancer so it is more susceptible to the radiation. The lowered testosterone has the effect of making me more expressive with my feelings. We often joke about that since being really expressive about feelings is not one of the things I was known for. The other day I was saying something very sweet, meaningful, and affirming to Karen. By the time I was finished I had tears running from my eyes and was all choked up. I felt kind of strange, but Karen defused my awkwardness by saying “there's that Lupron interfering again”. I have also noticed that it is hard sometimes to sing through a hymn without getting choked up, especially when it is referring to our hope in life and in death because of Jesus.

An update on the actual cancer situation. Blood tests show no evidence of thyroid cancer. The doctors are quite happy, but I will still need regular blood tests for the next five years to monitor the situation. The thyroid replacement medicine will be a lifelong necessity. Regarding the prostate cancer, one blood test showed a dramatic decrease in cancer markers. In my case that means from VERY high to just high. It is still too early to tell what the results eventually will be. The two big questions remaining are-                              Will the whole cancer be killed by the radiation? and                                                           How much of me will be damaged by the radiation?

Also, a little update on Karen. I am amazed at all the strength she has and blessed by her willingness to take on extra work while at the same time affirming me as I feel frustrated by what I cannot do. Two weeks age I thought that I could provide a nice break for her by sending her and our two Pennsylvania daughters to Florida to surprise our youngest daughter for her birthday. I thought a girl’s weekend in balmy Florida would be a refreshing treat for her. (Before you start thinking what a thoughtful, generous guy I am, I have to say that I did it because I was able to get roundtrip tickets for $29.) Unfortunately, after landing, on the way to leaving the airport Karen fell down the escalator. Fortunately, it was only four steps from the bottom, but she ended up with a dislocated finger, bruises, and four stitches in the head. Her first five hours in Florida were spent in an Emergency Room getting x-rays, cat scans, rings being cut from her finger, injections, etc.  After that the visit was uneventful, but it was a pleasant surprise for our daughter. Karen is recovering well, the stitches are out, her finger is almost back to normal and the bruises are painful but slowly healing. 

 One down, 43 to go

Today was the first day of radiation. Things went very smoothly end quickly. It is probably just my imagination, but I feel a little queasy down in the area of the X Ray but not any really big problem. The only disappointment that I could have about the process is that it is so quick and easy. I had thought that I might have 44 days of getting to know nurses and other patients and being able to talk to them about hope. But all the technicians sit in another room and one nurse adjust me on the table and then she leaves. There is no opportunity to even meet other patients in the waiting room. On the positive side I am in by 8:30 and out before 9 so I have the whole rest of the day to do things.

Friday was much different than today. Besides a 30 degree difference in the temperature which made it nice and balmy, I was there in the afternoon for a preliminary visit. When I was leaving in the elevator there was an older couple coming down from the second floor which is where they do chemotherapy. We started to chat a little bit and the man, remarking about the nice weather said, ‘Today is a godsend’. I remarked that for those of us having treatment in the Cancer Center every day is a Godsend. There was a moment of quietness as they reflected on that and they then said thank you and goodbye as the elevator reached the ground floor. I probably will never see them again, but I pray for them as I remember them. It was just a little comment, but it put a different perspective in their thinking, and I can only hope that it might be just one little piece that God will use in bringing them to find peace and hope in Jesus.

Update and a little insight into my head and heart

On March 4^th I had  bunch of CAT Scans which guided them to put the locator tattoos in the right place for the upcoming radiation. They also made a mold which will hold my body in the same place during all the sessions of radiation. If the Doctors can complete their treatment plan, then tomorrow will be the final preliminary visit to the cancer center before they begin the treatments.

On the Thyroid cancer front, I continue with hormone replacement pills. The big picture is that I have the proper dosage. Blood tests show the right levels, and I do not have many of the possible side effects. On a smaller scale, I reach the correct weekly dosage by taking a double dose on Saturday and Tuesday nights. That makes Sundays and Wednesdays very interesting. I swing between bouts of tiredness and energy. It seems that the cancer fog is a little more of a factor on those days too. At Wednesday night Bible study, the leader will ask for the group to find a passage related to the topic. When he gives the reference, I think ‘I know that without looking it up’ so I start to recite it and the fog rolls in and I end up paraphrasing or even making up the rest of it. We now joke that while some use the ESV and others the KJV, I use the JCE version.

It is 2:20 AM Thursday morning and I am still feeling the effects of Wednesday’s double dose. Wednesday night we were in bed by 10PM. At 11:30 I was still wide awake and ready to say, ‘Forget about all this medicine and cancer treatment. Maybe I should just live normally until I die.’ This was not the most rational of thoughts, but I was really feeling tired and discouraged with the changed lifestyle and intrusive therapies I am going through. I so much wanted to get up, throw the medicine away, cancel all my appointments, and go into the kitchen and eat foods I am not supposed to have. I realized this was ridiculous thinking and finally asked God to help me fall asleep. He was merciful and I fell right asleep. It makes me wonder why I spent the time fretting about my situation instead of asking for His help sooner. I woke at 1:35 which was the perfect time to take my next Thyroid pill. I went back to bed and began to think about all the things in this experience I could write about and by 2 AM realized that I would not remember it by morning. Thus, I find myself in my office typing this out. I am using the energy cycle of my medication for good purposes, instead of moaning about it.

I was really encouraged by something at Bible study tonight. It was one of those little ‘God things’ where I saw something that had nothing to do with the lesson and while I dwelt on it, everyone else moved on. We were looking at 2 Peter 1:3 ‘His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence,’. I took the ‘all things’ as similar to the ‘precious promises’ of verse 4 ‘by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.’ I started to list the promises that seemed especially precious to me at this stage of life. I began paying attention to the class when they started looking at Acts 2:14 and following. My eye glanced down at vs 24 ‘God raised him up, loosing the pangs of death, because it was not possible for him to be held by it.’ And the phrase ‘loosing the pangs of death’ jumped out at me. I put that together with the ‘partaker of the divine nature’ of 2 Peter 1:4 and realized that as part of our identity in and union with Christ, we are loosed from the pangs of death. This helped me understand the way I am dealing with two aggressive forms of cancer, where statistically speaking, successful treatments will see my life expectancy to be in the high single digits. How can I be not only accepting, but embracing this harsh reminder of my mortality? It is simple, it is because of Jesus, He has loosed me from the pangs of impending death. I extended that thought to another concern I have had. This is the impact of my death on Karen. I realized that while she will still experience loss, memories may be tinged with sadness, and there will be times of missing me; as a follower of Jesus, she too will be loosed from the pangs of my death. Because of this, she will grieve, but not as one who has no hope. Her hope as well as mine is rooted in the precious promises of our God and Savor, Jesus Christ.

The rest of the story from 25 Feb that I should have written sooner. 

The procedure of 25 Feb was the most painful episode in my whole cancer journey. It seems that the skin and blood vessels on my right arm are very tough. At least, that was the conclusion of the two nurses who after numerous attempts in two spots were finally able to get the IV in. I was literally groaning as I clutched onto the bed rails. Karen got up and came to the bed and rubbed my feet because she saw how much pain I was enduring. Afterwards I thought about just how merciful God has been to me through all this. Many dealing with their cancers are suffering so much more and for much longer then I did during my IV difficulty. I am certainly extremely fortunate.

After the IV, everything went smoothly and successfully. I met with the surgeon and told him over a hundred people were praying for him and we chatted about that a bit. We had an exciting ride on the gurney through crowded halls. Once I reached the operating room, I was asleep until I woke up in the room where it all started, and Karen was by my side. The aftereffects of anesthesia were minimal, and I was soon able to walk gently and slowly out to the car and go home.