Shortest Post Ever 

Surgery successful. Home now. Groggy, tender, hungry, and tired. Thankful to God and for all those who prayed.

 Moving On

After everything being cancelled because of Covid, we are making progress on treatment being scheduled. Thursday the 25^th I will have the gold markers and spacing gel put in. This is a relatively simple surgical procedure, but I will have an IV anesthetic. I am glad that I will not be awake for this, but neither am I looking forward to this as I am concerned that it will increase the fogginess that my mind has to deal with. The following Thursday March 4^th is what they call a preliminary radiation consultation. This is when they will make the mold for holding me in place and make final decisions regarding the actual radiation therapy. The. radiation therapy will start sometime in the following week. In preparation for this Thursday, I have to stop taking vitamins, supplements, and pain medications. This has made life a little uncomfortable.

I added a new song to be used at my memorial service. It hasn't been scheduled yet and I hope it won't be for awhile, but I am planning ahead. It’s sung by a group of five South African men and called ‘I could sing about heaven for a million years and never get the story told’. It is kind of upbeat and not real theologically deep, but it makes a powerful point.

Because my thyroid was totally removed, I must take a pill to replace stuff the thyroid used to make. To avoid interactions with other stuff, I have to take it between 1:00 and 2:30 AM. I am fairly good at waking up to take it, but sometimes it is hard to get back to sleep. Saturday night could not get back to sleep and my mind went to thinking about many of the times I failed in the past. Often when I have this sleeplessness, I am able to turn my thoughts to blessings I'm thankful for, but not that night. I must have dozed off a little bit because the next thing I remember is being very disturbed about dying-the uncertainty and the unknown of the process. Of all things, I thought of the Elvis Presley song ‘Softly as I leave you’. This song recounts a letter written by a seriously ill man to his wife explaining why he was going to let her sleep while he died. Softly, I will leave you softly, for my heart would break If you should wake and see me go. So, I leave you softly, long before you miss me, long before your arms can beg me stay for one more hour, for one more day. After all the years I can't bear the tears to fall, so softly, I will leave you there.
I confess I have a soft spot for Elvis’ ballads, and this always moves me. Saturday night went beyond just music appreciation. I liked the sentiment of sparing Karen having to watch me die. But I also thought don’t I want to hold her hand and talk while I pass on. I was moved to sadness as I thought about dying alone.

 I was really pretty disturbed and disheartened by this point. I began to pray and thank God for the reality of forgiveness, confessed my lack of faith, and ended up with the words of Mark 9:24 “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”. Then I fell asleep until we got up at 5:45.

I was well rested now, but still trying to process the sleeplessness and disturbing thoughts I had during the night. Looking at my phone, I saw I had a message from our Iranian daughter in London. It was just a bunch of hearts and Psalm 91. What a great Psalm, as I read it, I enjoyed the reminder of God’s love, care, and protection. What really struck me though was verse 5 ’you will not fear the terror of the night nor the arrow that flies by day’. God used that verse and the whole Psalm to make sense out of the previous night. I learned or was reminded, that God gives grace and comfort as we need it. Also, our times are in God’s hands and He will be merciful to both Karen and I and give grace as it is needed. The key is to remember and trust in His promises and commit ourselves into His care when life gets really messy or scary.

 Memories...

Getting ready for bed last night I ripped off the tape from yesterday's blood test . I commented that between the blood drawing and the EKG that was the most uncomfortable aspect of the day's tests. I then observed that next Thursday would be the next time for a hole in my arm for anesthetic and then another puncture on my body in a less comfortable and public place to insert the gold markers and the SpaceOar.

Karen kissed me and said she really admired me for the way I was responding to all the pain discomfort and indignities I was going through. That really helped a lot. Words of affirmation and touch are my two biggest ‘love languages’. But I also thought that while for decades I have talked about the sovereignty of God, it is in circumstances like this, that belief becomes precious. Especially as I know it is not a distant despot controlling things according to his own directionless whims. Instead, it is my loving, heavenly father who created me, redeemed me, controls my destiny, and does this all as an expression of His love and holiness to accomplish my good and His glory.

For Christmas I gave each of my five grandsons the gift of a day with me where I would teach them to build a birdhouse. At the time I was looking for some creative alternative to just spending money on another toy that would be forgotten in a week or two.

So far I have worked with two of the boys. While I have learned the harsh lesson that I no longer can work with the degree of precision of the days of making missile parts and jewelry, I have had a really good time. I have come to realize I am not just making birdhouses, but memories for my grandsons. I'm teaching them about tools and letting them do the work. I am talking with them, spending time just the two of us, and affirming them as they are creating something. When you have the reminder of your mortality in two cancers and their ongoing impact on your life it is a little easier to think in terms of, “This might be the last time I/we do...”, and to want to make it a good memory for the other involved. But I am thinking what a great thing it would be if we all viewed even our daily, mundane activities as an opportunity to make good memories for those we love.

 FREE AT LAST...

Our covid isolation has been over for awhile but we were still taking it easy so that we can recover our strength before going out in public again. Last Sunday was going to be the big day returning to church. The only glitch was that early Sunday morning we had about 7 inches of snow to go on top of the 30 inches that we already had. So, the service was cancelled. I was also scheduled to speak at a church via Zoom. Fortunately, the church was in California, so weather was not a problem, unfortunately we weren't there but still in snowy Bethlehem. Zoom solved the problem and we had a really great time with Rebuild Fellowship.

By the time the service was over it had stopped snowing and so we were just getting ready to change into outdoor clothes to go out and shovel and snow blow. We looked out the window and found that neighbors had done all of our sidewalks and one had even come up into the yard to shovel the little path that we had between our door and driveway. If I'm honest I would say that I got teary eyed just thinking how good God was in giving us neighbors who cared for us like that. Then today another friend whose family we regularly got together with stopped by with two bags of fruit to help us get our strength back. He mentioned that when he got homesick for his country for some reason, he would think of me and it would help. What a privilege and blessing to be in relationships like this. And then I noticed another friend had dropped off a big container of meat, vegetables, and rice and a bigger container of what she knew is one of my favorite treats - Turkish rice pudding. We so long to begin to spend face to face time with our friends again. I am anticipating many more years of life, but I can truly say that if it was to end abruptly I would have no complaints as God has made my life so full and blessed us in so many ways. Of course the greatest blessing is the certain hope that this life is not all there is. There is forgiveness of sin, eternal life in His presence and joys unspeakable to experience.

My son made the observation that since we have had covid and recovered from it that we don't have to worry about being infected by contact from anyone else nor are we able to infect any other people. This was really freeing. While we will still exercise reasonable caution and consideration for others, it does seem that it can open up having contacts with our friends again. I am looking forward to being able to spend regular time with friends who have just been email or text contacts for what seems like ages.

The procedure that was cancelled because of my covid has been rescheduled for February 25. Fortunately, that means the whole process may only be pushed back by two weeks. So, by May I should be all finished with the radiation therapy. At least during March and April except for the few side effects like tiredness, nausea, and a few other things we will be able to function like normal. At the end of the radiation, I am due for another Lupron shot which is part of the androgen suppression therapy. This is theoretically to weaken the cancer to make it more susceptible to the radiation. It has a lot of bad side effects many of which I am experiencing. Unless I am given some really compelling arguments, I am going to discontinue those shots and not get the next one.

I am all in favor of medical technology and am so thankful for the treatments that I have received. What we are wrestling with is the idea of trusting in the Lord and not statistics or probabilities and balancing the benefits of treatments versus the problems and limitations of side effects from it.

A Clearer Perspective -  thanks to all who responded and prayed

Well, our little snowstorm of three days dropped about 31 inches in our area. After writing yesterday's post, I got a phone call from my daughter. She observed that I seemed to be feeling a little down and she said, ‘I tried to think about what you would tell someone else who was feeling the way you were feeling’. Then she said, ‘I realized you would tell them to focus on the things they still could do and not on the things that they didn't have’. So, she used my own lessons to her to encourage me on my outlook for the day. It is nice to have children who are so exceptionally wise and caring. I also appreciated a number of other emails from friends who encouraged me to back off, realize I am not indestructible or indispensable, and to allow others to enjoy blessing us. Thanks for being willing to challenge me. We were close to running out of bread and a neighbor just dropped by with a loaf of homemade bread she had made for us. It is so comforting to see how God supplies for us.

 In the morning our neighbors came over and began clearing our sidewalks driveway and car. I watched from the window for a while but then put on my overalls, jacket, and boots and went outside to express my appreciation. They did a really nice job and since we live on a corner, they did a big job with all the sidewalks, about 150 feet. I spent the time talking to other neighbors and enjoying the fresh air. When all of our stuff was done, I noticed a young couple across the street trying to clear their cars which were majorly plowed under. This is the fellow that had sent me the email asking if we were OK, but he also had recently had shoulder surgery and was wielding his shovel with one hand. I had accidentally gotten my snow blower out of the garage and started it just to do some openings to the street so I went across to give him a hand. Being a nontraditional thinker I came up with an idea to easily extricate his cars and move them into our driveway . This gave us lots of room to work and he just used his shovel to break the snow down and I ran my snow blower back and forth clearing it out. In just two hours we had the whole job done.

After all the days of inactivity this was just the kind of therapy that I needed. My lungs felt great, I was pleasantly exhausted, and enjoyed going inside to rest. It was also nice seeing others help and give of themselves for us. An added little bonus was still being able to help someone else. I had planned to continue my recovery therapy by having a steak for dinner. Someone gifted us with a nice box of them and it seemed like a good time to break one out. Unfortunately I kept forgetting to defrost one. Ultimately Karen made a big pot of curried squash soup which turned out to be just right.

 We are still waiting to have our medical procedures rescheduled. It is disappointing in that while I do not relish more holes being made in me or 44 days of radiation, I would like to get this over with. However, God has redirected the plans several times already and it is exciting to think where He might be taking us next. Karen and I are learning to appreciate the days He gives us and to trust Him for what He will lead us through. Neither she nor I like uncertainties, we would much rather plan and DO. One thing we are gradually coming to trust in is the reality that while there might be momentary unknowns for us, for God, He has no uncertainties and is accomplishing His will in the way that is best and loving for us and according to His infinite perfections.

One Quick Update

Well I am officially past the time where I have to be isolated because of covid. I would like to say that I am full of vim and vigor and back to normal. However, that is not the case I am still very tired. During the one week I lost over 15 pounds and I find myself still sleeping quite a bit. The fog is still there and while I might have good intentions of doing things, carrying them out is very slow.

I find myself very frustrated, so far we've gotten over 18 inches of snow and I am not able to go out and play in it with my snow blower. Under normal conditions I would have been out twice already and been up and down and around our block. It has been encouraging though, one neighbor told Karen and I not to worry about clearing snow at all and they would take care of everything for us. Another neighbor noticed Karen outside playing in the snow and sent me a note asking if everything was OK because he hadn't seen me. They have offered to help in any way including bringing meals over to us. It is hard being on the receiving end of kindnesses from others. We are the ones who like to do things to help others and now we find or at least I find myself greatly limited. It is probably an important lesson for me to learn. I am not sure what the lesson is though.

One of the little side effects of the covid is that all of the medical procedures that had been scheduled have been cancelled and have to be rescheduled. So, I don't know when the procedure for the spacer or gold markers is going to be nor do I know when radiation therapy will start.