It is not all about hot flashes... 

We were driving up to my son’s house for an early family Christmas celebration and I was feeling increasingly hot. I asked Karen if she felt warm hoping maybe it was not me, but she was fine. I was starting to get concerned because the hot flash kept getting stronger and was longer than I had ever experienced before. I began to be concerned about how this would affect me at the family time as I was starting to sweat and be very uncomfortable and focused on it. As we drove further, I dropped my hand down to the heated seat controls and discovered that mine were on high. I switched it off and immediately began to recover from my hot flash. It struck me how careful I need to be that I do not blame every ailment or discomfort on the cancer stuff. Even more I need to watch that I don't rationalize frustration, short temper, unwise statements, and so forth as just being part of my cancer and not considering it as a part of me that I am responsible to control. No matter how bad I might feel I don't have the right to be careless about other people's feelings.

We had a week open with no doctors’ appointments tests, etc. The girl that Karen was tutoring at Community College had finished her classes and Karen was free. So, we quickly arranged a reunion of Karen’s siblings at my daughter's house in Florida. Allegiant flies 5 minutes from our house and had some really cheap rates. It was pretty nice being in warm weather again. Although we did drive around one massive community that coordinated their Christmas decorations, it was still hard to feel like we were in the right season as we were wearing shorts and sandals and had the windows open. It was a good time of relaxation, but I did see some of the physical limitations that are developing. I learned that people who love me will accept that, and I do not have to be grumpy or defensive. One of the side effects that I struggled a bit with on the trip was vertigo and so when we visited a botanical garden, I had to be pushed around in a wheelchair. That could have been disheartening but everyone joined in in making it seem okay. No one tipped me out of my chair when going over rough terrain nor did they play any tricks like pushing me in a corner and leaving me there.

On the trip I had the joy of connecting with a young man who had allowed me to be part of his life several years ago when he was going through a very difficult situation. He was exceedingly kind in expressing his appreciation for all the wisdom and help that I had given him. Funny thing is though, during all that time I felt so frustrated because I could not really help him out of his situation and all I could give him was a listening ear and encouragement to continue trusting God and obeying His word. Well God worked through that whole situation brought healing and there is now a healthy and growing family in place. He told me that one thing that encouraged him during all that was a quote from CS Lewis who said “there are far better things ahead than any we may leave behind “. That just struck and comforted me so much. You can take that statement and apply it to the contrast between Heaven which is far ahead of us and our life on earth left behind when we die. And that is certainly true; as striking as our joys are here on earth they are nothing compared to what we will have in Heaven. But at that time, I had been thinking of my growing limitations, things that I would never be able to do again, that are the result of surgeries, treatments, and medications which are all necessary to keep me alive and functioning. There are a lot of things that I am leaving behind. But my hope and comfort is that God's blessings are not just far away in eternity. I can either focus on things I am leaving behind like physical abilities and even physical comfort or I can reflect on the things that I am learning about God and myself, the joys of knowing and trusting Him more, the excitement of looking at life as a precious commodity to be cherished, and the joy of being with those I love and who love me. What God has done in the six months since the beginning of this cancer journey is really so much better and precious then the things that that I am leaving behind because of the battle with cancer.

Words Mean a Lot

 In my circles, I feel like an anomaly. Most of my friends have never had cancer, let alone having two during the same year. It is a learning process for them as they interact with me. I have never been in a cancer battle before, so it is a learning process for me as well. In a previous post I wrote about the struggle with people’s words during my dark times. Today I want to reflect on the brighter, more rational, gospel focused times. One of the biggest things I fear is to lose functioning abilities and become a drain on others.

Last weekend we had a visit from a couple who talked about some family issues they were going through. It was not a therapy session, just two couples meeting each other and becoming friends. During the course of the evening, I made some offhand comments that they thought were insightful and they were very expressive of their appreciation. They didn't know how much “cancer fog” is a struggle for me. At least in my perception it is. I just do not feel as mentally sharp as I did before all of this started. I often am reticent about expressing myself because I fear I might not make sense or be able to find the right words to use. Their words were an affirmation that perhaps my mind is not as foggy as I sometimes fear. Maybe it is even a prod to not hold back and to look for places where I can express thoughts and discuss issues deeply. The other night we had dinner with some friends. One asked if I felt as good as I looked I responded, “I did yesterday but today was a struggle”. I then went on to talk about dealing with Vertigo all day. My big concern had been that after living all day in a world that would unexpectedly start spinning around and my stumbling through it, I would be out of sorts and spoil the evening for everyone. His words were a great encouragement that maybe I was able to function a lot better than I thought.

I do not think that in either situation they knew what I was struggling with. I do not think they were aware what a blessing and encouragement their words were to me. In both cases it was only normal expressions during a normal conversation. Nothing formal or prepared. Just an expression of thoughtfulness and concern. I began to wonder how often we leave words unspoken which could mean so much to others. Proverbs 25:11 A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver has certainly taken a more significant meaning as I go through all of this. How precious are those fitly spoken words that come out of natural conversations that are rooted in the love of God and love for each other.

On another note. December 14th has special significance for me. Today is the day I am NOT having surgery. It had been scheduled for today, it had been a big burden on my heart. I did not want to go through another surgery but there did not seem to be any other options. I prayed to be able to endure and get through it but did not have enough faith to pray about not having it done. After all, I could not figure out a solution to suggest to God, so how could I pray about it? God worked. Tests showed that surgery would most likely not be effective as the tumor was more intrusive then previously thought. So, another treatment would be used.

I am slowly learning some things that hopefully will help me in my walk with the Lord as I go through this period of life and hopefully make me more sensitive to others in their struggles. I am thankful for the lessons I am learning. The only thing that bothers me is why I had to be so dense as to require such drastic teaching methods to be used. I say that a bit tongue in cheek as I consider myself to be extremely blessed, comforted, and cared for by my family, friends, and a faithful powerful God whom I know is my Heavenly Father, the Risen Son whose sacrifice brings me hope and eternal life, and the Holy Spirit who is my instructor and comforter.

Who turned the thermostat up? 

Unlike my stodgy contemplative stay at home wife, I have always been adventurous and looking for new experiences, charging ahead into the unknown. Wait a minute I think I have that backwards. Those of you that know me understand how much I like the status quo. If something works why change it? Don’t look for something new, you might find it!

 Well 2020 has been a year of new experiences! As I begin writing this I realize never in my lifetime had I ever thought that I would ever be writing about my hot flashes. I am not referring to moments of brilliant insight but instead to feeling hot, breaking out into sweats for no apparent reasons. It is a side effect of the shots that I will have every six months for the next two years. It does good things like starve the cancer cells and make radiation therapy more effective. But there are some repercussions: dizziness, headaches, muscle stiffness, and pounding in the ears to name a few. I am not looking for pity and I don't want to belabor this. I have known about the concept of hot flashes for years. I have counseled and encouraged sufferers and their spouses, but I never could really sympathize. And to be honest, a little part of me always said in the back of my mind get over it and get on with your responsibilities.

 For years in my youth, I wondered about people claiming to be limited in work and other activities by back problems. That was until I herniated a disc in my lower back. Then I gained a new appreciation for their situation. Likewise, while I in no way compare my difficulties to those dealing with menopause, I start to get the inklings of some of its significance for them. Menopause brings with it not only physical distress but is a constant and powerful reminder of big changes taking place in a person's life. They are passing a point from which there is no going back , there are losses of opportunities, and it is a reminder of aging and perhaps future limitations. In the same way, my hot flashes are uncomfortable reminders. On one hand it shows that the medication is working and hopefully the cancer is getting weaker. But it is also a reminder of the existence of cancer and the fact that for me things have drastically changed, and I will need to embrace a new normal. Because the reality is, things will not go back to the way they were. And some things will never be figured out. In research today I discovered that other side effects I am dealing with can all come from any of three medications I am taking. No big deal. No big deal in less you have a nit-picky, inquisitive mind that is always trying to figure out the ‘How Come’ of things. 

Maybe I just need to take the advice I often gave to others. Do not try to figure it out just deal with it. Maybe I need to heed Paul’s observations in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us”. We are to look to God for His mercy. We are to learn to be able to use His mercy to comfort others. As I was thinking about this, perhaps we need to also listen to people in their troubles to hear the issues beyond the surface and easily apparent ones. Maybe we also need to realize that even if their issue is something which has never troubled us and even does not make sense as to why it is an issue, that does not matter. It is a problem to them, and out of love we should have their good and comfort through God's mercies as our focus.

 A Little Rant

We were driving to church and Karen brought up the idea of downsizing. She had good thoughts about all the stuff that we had accumulated over the years and were not using. But she added in the idea that if I weren’t here, she wouldn't know what to do with the stuff or how to sell it for the best prices. I began to hesitate, or from her perception, be really agitated against the idea. She challenged me about that and I promptly denied it by pointing out how sensitive and caring I am. But I began to think and examined my hesitation about doing it. I mean I like all of the possessions, but I also know it's just stuff. And I realized that some of it has value and it would be hard for Karen to start to sell or even to know where and how to sell this stuff. It struck me that maybe it is because doing that makes it seem like I am giving in to dying. I am not in denial as death is a significant part of my reality. And I am being responsible in many ways by preparing for and making provisions for Karen. But I am just not ready to give up to cancer. We are praying, we are getting reasonable medical care, and I am trying to take care of myself through diet and exercise. But, I do not want to define myself by cancer, I do not want my living moments to always be focused on cancer. A side note generated by the strange way my mind works- statistically in the next few years I have a better chance of dying in a car accident than because of cancer.

I appreciate people showing care and encouragement by praying and speaking to me. Sometimes it is a little hard when people remark about how healthy I look or how they are inspired by my faith. On the one hand it is nice, and I receive it with the good intent they meant. But later, in darker times, I reflect and begin to feel they might be saying -  for a cancer ridden, near death, frail old man I look like I'm doing OK. Then I wonder should I be down and depressed and letting my cancer dominate me, would that make people more comfortable? Then my thoughts rise up and want to shout, ‘I'm not dead’. I may be dying, and death is drawing closer, but in a sense, we are all in that same condition. But God intervenes and I remember that in their own way they are expressing love and concern for me.

That being said, I hope people continue to express their love and encouragement because it means a lot, it is encouraging. 'So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.' 1Thessolonians 5:11.  

 

 What am I thinking about?

I was asked the other day if I think about the cancers much. I responded that they are a reality of my life and part of my body, but I don't find myself dwelling about the cancers any more than any other part of my body. What I do notice though is the impact that the cancer and treatments are having. The fact that chunks of me have been cut out of my body and that other parts of me are going to be killed by radiation is kind of an odd thing to think about. But I have had other parts of my body removed; lenses in my eyes, bones in my hand, Gallbladder, and pieces of flesh. So that really is nothing new.

The whole issue of balancing my medication and the impact it has on my functioning is wearisome. I still have ups and lows of energy, there are times when I feel really tired and lethargic. I don't know whether the right thing is to push through it and keep doing or if my body is saying I need to rest. I think that cancer fog is a reality for me now. I'm learning that if I think of doing something, I need to do it right then, otherwise I will file it away in my mind and sometimes that'll be very far away. I have to discipline myself when I write an email to make sure that I send it. Little pieces of learning and discipline to do things that were always so natural.

This leads me into something I had been thinking of a while back to put down. People have commended me for my good attitude towards cancer and death. But really dying is the easy part. No more pain, no weakness, no more pills, no more fog, no more limitations, and finally grasping the eternal glory and rest that is promised through Jesus. Death or ‘The Next Big Change’ as I like to think of it, is really not so bad. The hard part is living. Living is great because I can enjoy all the people that God has put into my life and I can make use of all the wonderful opportunities to serve and enjoy Him that He brings me. But I have to grasp those things with the right attitude. I have to be faithful when I don't feel like it. I have to be loving, thoughtful, and compassionate even when I would like to curl up into a little ball and hibernate and withdraw because too much calcium is making me dizzy, too little calcium is making me nauseous, or a host of other little difficulties and frustrations are happening as my body deals with cancer and medicine levels. I am certainly glad that it is as I recognize my weaknesses that Christ manifests His strength in me. I guess it's not an issue of whether I am going to be weak and perhaps grow progressively weaker, but whether I am going to embrace that weakness to the glory of God and rejoice in the strength of Christ.