The choice is up to us

There are bad times. But rather than despair about whether this is the way it is always going to be, I choose to live with the hope of the better days to come. Better ones in this life and forever. The passage in 2 Corinthians chapter 4 verses 16 through 18 are very important  ‘That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!  So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.’ 

 Paul talks about not losing heart in difficult circumstances, the reality that the outer self will waste away, and the likelihood of affliction. But he balances that out by saying in all this the inner being is being revived, that this is just momentary affliction, it will bring us the eternal weight of Glory and he encourages us to not look at the transient things that can be seen but to hold onto the eternal truth which is presently unseen. This leads us to chapter 5 verse 4 and especially the last phrase ‘While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us.  Rather, we want to put on our new bodies  so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.’ This had been a favorite passage that I used to comfort and encourage others in their losses of loved ones. It has become so much more precious as I apply it to myself in my situation. I am alive and living now, but it is only a small version of what eternal life will be. This is hope. Verse 9 puts the good and the bad days in another perspective, ‘So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please Him.’ On the bad days I have no right to long for death to avoid the difficulties. On the good days I need to remember ‘The Next Big Change’ is coming closer and closer. On all days I need to make it my goal to please Him.

 God knows just what we need long before we need it

Every morning we follow a read through the Bible in a year plan. 

In our reading this morning we came to Romans 11:33-36 ‘Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways! For who can know the LORD’s thoughts? Who knows enough to give him advice? And who has given him so much that he needs to pay it back? For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen.’  This seemed to be the final necessary piece to last night’s ruminations.

 Some thoughts come late at night

It is about midnight. We had a real good time at Thanksgiving dinner today. Only two couples were able to attend but that worked out well For eating the women were downstairs and men upstairs. That allowed for some real in depth conversations regarding all aspects of our lives: jobs, covid, housing decisions, family issues, and faith. I had a real good opportunity to update them on cancer situation and talk about faith, real hope, and intimacy with God. There were also 5 young children; the ladies were amazed that they would let me hold them and when one little girl was crying I went out and held my arms out to her and she came running into them. It is neat to be embraced as part of their family and it gives real power too when I talk about faith. They are not a project or ministry, they are the object of our love.

I woke up today stiff and achy and hobbled around all morning. I was distracted from the discomfort by our friends, but when they left and we started to relax it came back with a vengeance. Karen asked if this could be a side affect of the Lupron. When I checked I saw that it could be as Lupron affects the bodies absorption of calcium which can cause muscle aches and pain. That was just what I needed so that I could start getting ready for self-pity.

I have to take a pill that replaces the thyroid hormones, but its absorption is affected by calcium;

But since the thyroid is gone, it messes up calcium levels in the body, so I have to take calcium supplements;

The Lupron restricts absorbing calcium so I might not have enough calcium in my system and thus muscle aches;

So, I need more calcium, but not too much or at the wrong time…

It is like a round robin of pills or a catch 22 situation. I was getting primed for a bit of despair and so mentioned it to Karen. She looked at me and said “Don’t worry we will work this all out”. Well, I thank God for that reminder that I am not facing this alone. I have a supportive and understanding wife. But I also have a caring and faithful God who will be with me throughout the whole thing. It is also nice to realize that He is not confounded by the situation as we are since He designed and created the human body and all its interactions. There goes the warrant for despair and self-pity. I am still uncomfortable and have taken some Tylenol and gotten up to write this so as not to disturb Karen with my tossing and turning.

 I learned an important truth and a little update

I have often used the expression ‘there is good news and bad news’. It is handy for humor and irony, but I am thinking it is really not accurate when we are talking about God's role in our lives. Everything that comes to pass is from an all-powerful and good God who is accomplishing His purposes in our lives. So really, all the news is good because it is a report of God working out His purposes. More accurately if we want to talk about this dichotomy of experience, we should say there is ‘pleasant news and uncomfortable news’.

In our reading this morning we came to 1 Thessalonians 5:18 ‘In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.’ This is a fun passage to preach from, but I shall refrain from that. However, it strikes me that all of God's purposes are part of our experiencing being in Christ. Also, while it is God's will that we give thanks for everything, it is not a gritting of our teeth and being thankful for things where we think we are helpless victims of fate or bad luck. Instead, the everything is also God's will for us.

So, that was an extended introduction to our next report. The pleasant news is that I do not have to have surgery. As I have mentioned before, I was really not looking forward to it, and as it turns out I will be spared from it. The uncomfortable news is that as the surgeon reviewed the MRI he observed there was a large tumor that had apparently extended into a major muscle. Because of that and the stage of the cancer he did not think that surgery would be curative. His recommendation was hormone therapy and radiation therapy. I have begun the hormone therapy which is merely an uncomfortable and expensive shot every six months for the next two years. That shot is meant to starve and weaken the tumor and after a minimum of 6 weeks we move to the next step on February 9th. This is a small operation to place a spacer between the tumor and healthy tissue and insert gold markers that will be used for targeting the radiation precisely. The week after that will be a longer visit where positioning molds will be made, CAT Scans done, and a final targeting plan decided upon. The following week will begin 44 days of radiation treatment: five days a week for nine weeks.

Thanksgiving

So, at church today the Pastor started his sermon by asking what we are thankful for. I did not know if he really wanted an answer or was just using the question to get us thinking. Anyway, I did not say anything because my answer would have needed a bit of explanation. The most significant thing in 2020 to be thankful for is my Cancers. I don’t mean that because they have been found and treated, although that is a good thing because if they had not been discovered they would have continued their rapid progression and led to an early and painful death. No, I mean that having them and the lessons I have learned and experienced is what I am most thankful for. Now I realize that with surgery, radiation treatment, hormone therapy, daily medication, and a future full of doctor visits and blood tests my cancers are more manageable then some others. Still, I had significant cancer tumors in two locations, and it is life altering and shortening. So, what is to be thankful for. First, while Karen and I have loved and appreciated each other very much, this reminder that our time together is finite has added a new dimension of intimacy, companionship, appreciation, and enjoyment of each other. Rather than moping around because our time will be shorter than we expected, we are grabbing each day and opportunity and using it to its fullest. It has been and is, really good. Secondly, I have experienced and appreciated God in new ways. Bible passages and hymn stanzas about our hope in death have taken on new meaning as I have been reminded of my mortality by the cancers. Comfort, purpose, and a sense of stewardship of my days are lessons I am learning. At the beginning of 2020 I wondered what new ways I could serve God. I never imagined that it would be as a cancer survivor, but it has been really interesting. I have been blessed to see how my experiences are being used by God to challenge and comfort others.

 I'm not the only one with needs

It is 6:45 on a cold dark morning and I am on my way home from another blood test. Blood tests have become a normal and frequent part of my life as doctors have to monitor cancer activity and medicine levels for two different cancers in two different areas. I found myself having some less then positive feelings for a doctor, a friend, who could have addressed both these things in their early stages. As I began to focus too much on my upset, the Lord sort of nudged me to think about some of the difficulties my friend is going through in his own family. I argued a bit that his problems do not make mine any easier. God’s response was that my resentment does not make my situation any easier either. So, a compromise was reached. When I am traveling home from procedures and starting to feel upset with my former doctor, I will begin to pray for my friend and his family. That made the rest of the short drive better and gives me a sense of peace and purpose.

Sometimes you have to think weird

 

I listened to a song about survivors missing a loved one. Don’t know the name, didn’t really care for it. It was no where as good as Angel’s Calling. Anyway, it started me to think about how hard it would be for me if Karen were to die before me. Especially in the first few days when everyone goes home and I am alone. Then I moved to thinking how hard it would be for Karen in the same situation. I began to consider if I hoped she would die first so she didn’t have to bear the loss. But I thought that doesn’t sound too good. Then I thought maybe it would be best if I died first so I wouldn’t have to face that. But, that isn’t fair, kind of self serving. What a quandary. Then I remembered it didn’t really matter what conclusion I came to, it wasn’t up to me. What a comfort that our times are in His hands and He will do what is best and give grace when it is needed to those who need it.

 An answer to prayer

We met with the urologist today to discuss the results of the MRI. They were three main points in the report. He started off very upbeat talking about points number one and three. But he became much more sober as we talked about the second point. It seems the tumors growth into the muscle was a real significant thing. If they did surgery and took the conservative route to protect the muscle, they would have to leave in some of the cancerous tissue. This means I would then have to have radiation therapy to deal with it. If they took a more aggressive route to get all of the cancer then they would have to cut out big chunks of the muscle. This wouldn't guarantee getting all the cancer, but it would certainly make significant side effects that would be very life altering. His advice because of the progress of the cancer, the necessity of radiation therapy anyway, and my age was to just skip the surgery and move to hormone and radiation therapy. I was quite happy to think of this as an answer to prayer because I was going to avoid surgery. I was a little bit less happy to think that it was because the cancer was more advanced than we had thought.

I was a little bit down because of this whole seesaw of emotions end every time it seemed something was figured out, the next thing we knew was that it was all changing. As I reflected, I realized there is only one great constant in life and one thing that we can consider a surety. ‘It is appointed to man once to die and after that the judgment.’ The great assurance and hope is that Jesus has taken my judgment upon himself and I am forgiven. Thus, after death, which is a certainty, I look forward to eternity with him.

 Just when we thought we knew what was happening...

The initial reading of the MRI shows that there is NO cancer spread into the lymph nodes or the bone. There is a big spot where the tumor is intruding on a muscle. We have not had the consultation with the surgeon yet (that is 10 Nov), so we don't know all the implications of that. Surgery is scheduled for 14 Dec.

 

We had a good time on Halloween. About80 bags of candy and almost 100 hotdogs given out. That means about 200 people came by. This year lots of younger children and their parents. There is a good church about 2 blocks from our house, so we asked their permission to put an invitation from them into all the bags. There were lots of good conversations as well.

 

We are planning on doing Thanksgiving. I asked 3 of the younger Turkish leaders who had been my students for their thoughts, and they are all for having it. So, we will move ahead for now.

I often get asked how I am doing emotionally. I do have to admit that I am not looking forward to surgery. This one will be more complex than the previous two, the time after surgery will be more difficult, and there are more possible side affects to deal with. Plus, I am on the verge of feeling good and being active again and the idea of anesthesia and a 4-6 week recuperation period doesn't fill me with happy anticipation. We will have to curtail some of our normal Christmas activities.

 

I was talking with Karen last night about the cancers and death. I said that I may be knocking at death's door but I am not planning on going through it soon.  Afterwards I had some thoughts about it. First, it is not death's door, it's Heaven's Door. Death is merely the entryway to the door that opens to life in all its fullness. Secondly, it is really not up to me when I am going to pass through it. All I can do is look at each day as a new gift from God and seek to make the best use of it for Him.