I Know Where I am Going

This will probably be the final posting in my blog. In terms of my health things have settled down. No more treatments or major procedures, just blood tests every three months and periodic body scans.

 The other evening as I was trying to recuperate from a day of moving patio stones and hauling buckets of sand I turned on TV to be distracted by mindless drivel. As I was watching, I saw a senseless, arbitrary act of violence that ended someone’s life. I began to think about the shortness of life, it's uncertainty, and what brings meaning to life. I began to feel a little uncomfortable about death and leaving my family behind and wondering what their memories of me would be. The show continued and I got caught up in that and left those profound thoughts behind.

I was bothered a little bit though, until the next morning when God provided the encouragement my soul needed. Together Karen and I read the Bible through every year. That morning's reading had Psalm 49 and 84.

 Psalm 49:5  Why should I fear when trouble comes, when enemies surround me? 6  They trust in their wealth and boast of great riches. 7  Yet they cannot redeem themselves from death by paying a ransom to God. 8  Redemption does not come so easily, for no one can ever pay enough 9  to live forever and never see the grave. 10  Those who are wise must finally die, just like the foolish and senseless, leaving all their wealth behind. 11  The grave is their eternal home, where they will stay forever. They may name their estates after themselves, 12  but their fame will not last. They will die, just like animals. 13  This is the fate of fools, though they are remembered as being wise. 14  Like sheep, they are led to the grave, where death will be their shepherd. In the morning the godly will rule over them. Their bodies will rot in the grave, far from their grand estates. 

 You can see that the first verses could really make a person kind of despondent. All that talk about the finality of death, leaving everything behind, names and possessions being lost. Even the phrase that death will be their shepherd is kind of scary. But that is just one side of the picture. The Psalm ends speaking about the condition of those who are trusting in God.

 15  But as for me, God will redeem my life. He will snatch me from the power of the grave. Interlude 16  So don’t be dismayed when the wicked grow rich and their homes become ever more splendid. 17  For when they die, they take nothing with them. Their wealth will not follow them into the grave. 18  In this life they consider themselves fortunate and are applauded for their success. 19  But they will die like all before them and never again see the light of day. 20  People who boast of their wealth don’t understand; they will die, just like animals. 

 Rather than having death is their shepherd, God snatches them from the power of the grave. The psalmist then goes on to make the contrast between those who have no hope because they have no God and those who are trusting in Him and who know the Lord is their shepherd.

 The next Psalm in the reading was 84. Here is just an overwhelmingly positive and encouraging picture of the hope and joy that God brings to the death of those who trust him.

 Psalm 84:1  How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD of hosts! 2  My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the LORD; my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God. 3  Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young, at your altars, O LORD of hosts, my King and my God. 4  Blessed are those who dwell in your house, ever singing your praise! 5  Blessed are those whose strength is in you, in whose heart are the highways to Zion. 6  As they go through the Valley of Baca they make it a place of springs; the early rain also covers it with pools. 7  They go from strength to strength; each one appears before God in Zion. 8  O LORD God of hosts, hear my prayer; give ear, O God of Jacob! Selah 9  Behold our shield, O God; look on the face of your anointed! 10  For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness. 11  For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly. 12  O LORD of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you! 

 He starts by reminding us that we will have an eternal home. A glorious and wonderful place better than anything we could even dream of. There is encouragement that even if the process of death is hard, He will be with us and be our strength. Regarding all the things that we will leave behind we are encouraged to remember that a day in the presence of God is better than thousands elsewhere. Even if our role was just as a gatekeeper in the presence of God, it's better than experiencing a wealthy but wicked life style. But an even better thought is that when I am in Heaven I will not be there as a gatekeeper but as a child of God. My certainty and hope is not based on a whim of God or my good works, position, or wealth; but is rooted in trusting in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, the sinless Son of God who paid the price of my guilt and punishment and gave me new life and freedom from the slavery of sin.

 June 12

The only thing certain is...?

Well, things had been quiet for a while on the medical front. That is, no radiation, Doctors visits, or blood lettings (known as blood tests). But, things change.

 Today I had my one-month post radiation blood test. The results were acceptable. I also received the interpretation of genetic testing which indicated that without Androgen Deprivation Therapy I will have a statistically significant possibility of seeing the cancer reoccur within the next ten years. The Doctor would like to resume the ADT within two weeks for two more years.

If you recall, the ADT had a tremendously negative effect on my functioning, health, and initiative. As Karen and I discussed this development we came to an agreement on these points:

1.    We have acted responsibly in the surgeries for thyroid cancer;

2.    We complied with medical advice for radiation and one dose of ADT;

3.    If I do nothing, there is a chance of the thyroid cancer reoccurring and leading to a painful death;

4.    If I do not have the ADT, there is a chance of the prostate cancer reoccurring and leading to a painful death;

5.    If I have two years of ADT, there is the certainty of having a painful and miserable life and no guarantee as to its effectiveness in slowing down cancer;

6.    We feel we are acting responsibly in not having the ADT and we rely on the Biblical truths expressed so well by JC Ryle- “All the powers of the world cannot take away my life, until God permits. All the physicians of earth cannot preserve it when God calls me home.

7.    We marveled at how God sustained us and gave us needed grace and strength as we began this journey last year. We have also seen how He has used this all to challenge, comfort, and encourage others going through trials. We accept what He has for us next and anticipate learning more of His power and seeing how He uses this in our lives and others.

8.    Whether one is dealing with cancer or not, life is uncertain, it is a gift, and a privilege and responsibility to use it wisely in loving God and others.

 Treatment is all over, looking forward to the rest of my life...

Last Friday, the 14^th of May was my final dose of radiation. They say it will continue destroying cancerous material for another month or so. It was nice to finish, but because of Covid rules it was sort of anticlimactic. I walked out to the waiting room by myself, the receptionist gave me some paperwork and asked if I wanted to ring the bell. What I really wanted was the radiation techs and Karen to be with me unmasked as we posed for a picture ringing the bell. Oh well, such was not to be.

I did not write a post that day as on the 18yh I had a debriefing re the treatment and a discussion about having a second shot of a horrible drug called Lupron. It is important for prostate cancer treatment, but the side effects can be dreadful. After the first shot, for 4 months I was kind of zombielike in having no energy or motivation. My thoughts were often cloudy, I lost a lot of muscle mass, and there was a serious concern about potential bone loss since I already had calcium concerns from my thyroid removal. I had already told the urologist’s office I did not want it and they would have to marshal some good arguments for me to change my mind. They seemed quite adamant that it was necessary. Some family members were concerned that I might be being shortsighted or foolhardy. We prayed and had others praying as well for a clear answer to this dilemma. We went to the appointment and a terrific physician’s assistant dealt with us. His first salvo in the argument was to say that while one shot was the standard “gold treatment” for my level of cancer, he did not at this time see any more shots as being necessary. He showed us results of blood tests from before and during treatment where the PSA had decreased from 8.4 to 0.9. without getting bogged down in medical jargon, suffice it to say 8.4 is really bad and 0.9 is very, very good. Now with the full treatment finished we can anticipate that my June 14 blood test will be even better. After that we will continue to monitor the situation with blood tests every six months. They also sent my biopsies off for genetic testing to evaluate chances of reoccurrence and levels of concern for my descendants. There are still some side effects from the radiation but I am assured that in a few weeks they should begin to lessen.

We continue to marvel at how mercifully God has dealt with us through this cancer journey of the past year. Cancer in two different and unrelated areas, three surgeries, two different radiation treatments, and what seems like gallons of blood drawn for testing and I am feeling good, regaining my energy, and medically have a good prognosis for a successful recovery.

I am challenged and comforted by this statement of JC Ryle “All the powers of the world cannot take away my life, until God permits. All the physicians of earth cannot preserve it when God calls me away.” Again, as I said at the beginning of all this, whether I live or die, I am comforted in the Hope of God’s plans and purposes and of my certainty that because of His faithfulness evidenced in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus my sins are forgiven and I will spend eternity with Him.

It is nice not to have to start my day with a trip to the Cancer Center after downing 24 ounces of water in a half hour. Making use of this freedom, we will leave on Friday for a visit to family in the Chicago area and be back after Memorial Day.

Eight is Great

 I approached the time for radiation therapy in a medical milieu of 3 surgeries within 9 months, radiation therapy for thyroid cancer, a bout of covid, and androgen suppression therapy which weakened me both physically and mentally. Anticipation was that the ensuing 9 weeks of radiation would be very difficult and the projected side effects would take a significant toll.

I now have 8 days of treatment to go. My Doctor has observed that the side effects have been very minimal, and I should rebound from all this relatively quickly. My friends have continually observed that I have been in good spirits. While there was a degree of mental fogginess at the beginning, my mind feels much clearer and I am able to study scripture, connect abstract thoughts, and two Sundays ago I was able to preach in a way that was profitable to the hearers and a joy to me as I felt comfortable with the mechanics of the presentation and joy on the enabling of God. I still do make run on sentences, but I am working on that.

It was observed that many people have been praying and that God has answered these prayers in a powerful way. That is so true. There were so many things that could have been bad these past days. Reasonable expectations were dark days with discomfort and difficulties. Instead, Karen and I have thrived, enjoying each other, and God and all His provisions.

 April 20

 

Radiation treatment this past Thursday was rough and I continued feeling bad all day. The normal pattern would indicate that Friday was going to be horrible. Instead, Friday's session went well, and I felt good. Afterwards I went to Lowe's for mulch. There was no one there to help load so I put 20 bags into my car. (I did pay for them first.) Karen helped me unload the car and we carried them all around the yard. I was able to do research on a project all afternoon as well as pick up another load of mulch and at dinner time I grilled tuna steaks with a honey mustard glaze, heated up riced cauliflower with Asian vegetables, and opened a bag of salad. So, Friday night we sat full, contented, and feeling good. Early to bed and a good night's sleep brought on Saturday. Saturday was active; I installed a rain barrel, carried a lot of bags of mulch, and kept feeling surprisingly good.

I found myself thinking wow two good days, when is the crash coming and how bad am I going to feel. I realized that was not a healthy or biblical way to think. Instead of dreading the unknown and what might be, I should rejoice in the known and embrace these comfortable times as a gift from God. It made me think of Matthew 6:33-34 “But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you, therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. My mother used to say don't go borrowing trouble for yourself, just do what you have to do.  It also made me ultimately think of the verse from the old hymn, ‘Many things about the future I don’t seem to understand, but I know who holds tomorrow and I know who holds my hand,’

Monday and Tuesday as well have been very good days. Because our pastor is in the hospital with covid I was asked to preach this Sunday. I have spent the morning working on a sermon, PowerPoint, and hand out and have been really blessed by how my mind has been able to focus. It is a joy to be able to interact with God’s word in a sustained and meaningful way.  I am so thoroughly enjoying myself preparing for next Sunday.

24 Down, my how time flies

Today we have completed our 24th radiation treatment. That means there are only 20 more to go. Another way of thinking is that it is  just four more weeks. As time has progressed the side effects have begun to show up more. By Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I began to have pretty bad backaches and stomach pains. Fortunately, over the weekends I recover, and we start each Monday fresh and new. But we are not going back to where we were because each week sees more of the cancer destroyed and we are further on the road to healing and recovery. It strikes me that this is a lot like life. God purposes for us to sometimes go through very difficult things. He sustains us even though the times might be painful, and He brings us through. But we don't go back to being the way we were, for we have seen demonstrations of God's grace, mercy, and faithfulness. As He brings us through those difficulties we grow in our dependence and trust of Him. It also makes me think of those road signs we used to see on Pennsylvania highways when they were doing construction. ‘Temporary inconvenience, permanent improvement’. But when it is God doing the reconstruction, it is a lot more lasting and significant.

I was happy to talk with the doctor the other day and to hear that he is happy with my progress through the treatment. He also observed that all the discomforts that I am feeling are only normal side effects and are really minimal compared to what they could be. This gives him encouragement that after the radiation is over, a lot of the distresses that my body has been feeling will gradually go away, most likely within a month. It will be nice to be able to live my life not always concerned about where the closest bathroom is and being able to go back to normal eating habits. It will be exciting to see what God’s next phase of improving me will bring.

  

Sorry for the gap in postings,

It is 11 PM Wednesday night and I feel wide awake. On Wednesdays and Sundays I double the amount of thyroid replacement and the result is usually trouble getting to sleep on Wednesday and Sunday nights. Well, today was my 17th radiation treatment. Each treatment is very short and relatively uneventful. However, I am realizing that the cumulative effects are beginning to affect me. Sure, early on there would be times when I would feel tired right after the treatment and sometimes a little bit nauseous, but these feelings would pass, and the rest of the day would be no problem. Looking back, I realize that each day I have been getting tired and more tired. If something comes up that demands my attention I rise to the occasion. But if nothing comes up, I am quite content. I have often thought about writing an update, but I find myself tired, needing to nap, and being careful not to go too far away from a bathroom as that side effect is becoming more of a factor. Karen observes that these are just a few more indignities I have to deal with. She is so sweet in her care and protectiveness of me, and I do appreciate it. But, on the other hand I see all of this coming from the hand of God with a purpose. I may not understand all the purposes, but I can see the deepening of relationship with God, Karen, friends, and family. I can see opportunities I have had to challenge and confuse those without hope, and comfort people in their difficult or fearful situations. Serving God, many have faced much greater indignities, so I count myself blessed in all the joy and peace I have.

In the midst of all this I have to say I am enjoying life. It is a blessing to spend time with my grandchildren. Karen and I may both be slowing down a bit, but we are slowing down together. During all this time I am learning and being reminded of what a wonderful blessing she is to me and I thank God so much for her. Reading and discussing the Bible with her, we are delighted after all these years to be still learning things about our God and about each other. People continue remarking about my attitude in facing death and the difficulties of living. It is only because of the reality of God working in my life that I can endure and look forward to whatever is next.

Quite an interesting side effect is from my Lupron shot. Prostate cancers feed on testosterone, part of the treatment is to reduce the level of testosterone and weaken the cancer so it is more susceptible to the radiation. The lowered testosterone has the effect of making me more expressive with my feelings. We often joke about that since being really expressive about feelings is not one of the things I was known for. The other day I was saying something very sweet, meaningful, and affirming to Karen. By the time I was finished I had tears running from my eyes and was all choked up. I felt kind of strange, but Karen defused my awkwardness by saying “there's that Lupron interfering again”. I have also noticed that it is hard sometimes to sing through a hymn without getting choked up, especially when it is referring to our hope in life and in death because of Jesus.

An update on the actual cancer situation. Blood tests show no evidence of thyroid cancer. The doctors are quite happy, but I will still need regular blood tests for the next five years to monitor the situation. The thyroid replacement medicine will be a lifelong necessity. Regarding the prostate cancer, one blood test showed a dramatic decrease in cancer markers. In my case that means from VERY high to just high. It is still too early to tell what the results eventually will be. The two big questions remaining are-                              Will the whole cancer be killed by the radiation? and                                                           How much of me will be damaged by the radiation?

Also, a little update on Karen. I am amazed at all the strength she has and blessed by her willingness to take on extra work while at the same time affirming me as I feel frustrated by what I cannot do. Two weeks age I thought that I could provide a nice break for her by sending her and our two Pennsylvania daughters to Florida to surprise our youngest daughter for her birthday. I thought a girl’s weekend in balmy Florida would be a refreshing treat for her. (Before you start thinking what a thoughtful, generous guy I am, I have to say that I did it because I was able to get roundtrip tickets for $29.) Unfortunately, after landing, on the way to leaving the airport Karen fell down the escalator. Fortunately, it was only four steps from the bottom, but she ended up with a dislocated finger, bruises, and four stitches in the head. Her first five hours in Florida were spent in an Emergency Room getting x-rays, cat scans, rings being cut from her finger, injections, etc.  After that the visit was uneventful, but it was a pleasant surprise for our daughter. Karen is recovering well, the stitches are out, her finger is almost back to normal and the bruises are painful but slowly healing.